I've been feeling some rage recently with the Wedding Industry. Actual rage. Like, step away from the computer, step away from the wedding magazines, this isn't healthy, rage. You know why? I think we are all being set up. I think the whole game is rigged. If you play by the wedding industry rules, it is a no win situation.Here is the thing. How many times do you see pictures or read a article about a really beautiful wedding, and get sucked in? "Gosh," you say to yourself, "This really is a beautiful wedding. I want a wedding like this! How did they do it?" And then you start breaking down the details: The venue $20K, food $50K, bar tab $20K, dress $10K, second dress $8K, photographer $12K, invites $3K, flowers $6K, cake $3K, event planner - best in the business. And then you say to yourself. "Well, cr*p, no wonder they had a nice effing wedding." And you slam the wedding magazine or your computer shut.
Now, none of this is totally fair. Everyone deserves to have a nice wedding, and people that have more money to spend on their event deserve a nice wedding as much as anyone. Plus, money doesn't mean taste. You can spend half a million on a wedding and have it be a tasteless train wreck. So, we should totally applaud the tasteful high end wedding, and draw inspiration from it. Right?
Right. To a extent. The problem comes in the fact that no one ever tells brides what these weddings they are admiring cost. You look at the beautiful dress a bride is wearing, and you think to yourself, "Oh goodness, why isn't my dress that nice? Maybe I should get a nicer dress." And in that way, we are all set up for failure, or mountains of debt. And either way, we lose.
You know who we should be admiring? Classy budget brides. Couples who eloped, had a lovely and meaningful wedding, and didn't spend a penny. We can all keep admiring those high end weddings, but every time we should mentally put a price tag on it. Nice wedding. $150K. Is one day worth that to me?
What do you think? Ever have days like this? GARRRR!
Photo by Kamp Photography, via Trash The Dress (Thanks Peonies!)
24 comments:
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! I just posted on weddingbee about this subject. I am TOTALLY happy with my wedding. Why do I almost feel like it's not good enough?
Thank you, I am so glad you got engaged and started blogging. You are my favorite site!
Hell yes.
I don't buy wedding magazines, they just piss me off - "you have to have the most expensive dress you can buy, here's a credit card to pay for it. You have to have 6 different live bands, one for each part of the wedding, here's a credit card to pay for it...." It infuriates me.
It's perfectly possible to have a gorgeous and 'magazine worthy' wedding on a tiny budget, but no one in the industry wants to let you know that or the whole things starts to crumble around them.
Yes it's your wedding day and yes a wedding day is special. But what makes it special is not a huge f*ing credit card bill.
Grrrrrrr. Budget brides unite in rage!
Early on, I swore off the magazines -- as in will NOT read them, no matter how shiny and pretty. I also swore off "industry sites" after a countdown to-do checklist almost sent me into a breakdown. It told me I had 6 zillion necessary things left to do, 5 zillion still un-done. Aaaaak! Before that moment, I had felt happy and in control.
That made me angry like you, Meg. I boiled until it just felt like a ridiculous joke. I think that the more angry I get the less I'm even tempted to look, listen, buy-in.
So yeah, now I am an obsessive wedding blog reader, but it's a trade I can live with. :)
I 150% agree with you. Even though I am not "officially" engaged with a ring (I had a woman tell me that engagement means "a ring and a date"...well screw that!) I have been keeping a folder of ideas. My boyfriend and I have already agreed that we want to spend the rest of our lives together, and he asks me to marry him on a daily basis...but at the same time he does want to give me a ring.
Now, my friends have given me crap because he's saving for a ring. They keep telling me "that's what a credit card is for." Um, no. He has a mortgage payment, I have student loans. Instead, he has put away money every week, and I admire him for that. I have also begun saving, and we have discussed that since the majority of our invites will be going to family, we shall split the cost in three ways (us, my parents, and his parents). Our hopes is that each party ponies up $5K.
I just want to have an amazing and fun day to share with my family and closest friends. I had my roommate tell me that "you get what you pay for." Well, guess what? I'm going to stretch my budget to make it work for me, and it's gonna be great in the long run, and we won't be dead broke.
Sorry for the crazy rant. I just know how you feel.
PS Your blog is awesome :)
I'm so glad that I found wedding blogs (and particularly yours) because they are the ultimate wedding planning "fix" without getting sucked in to all the magazines and websites and such, and much healthier on the mind and wallet!
I agree with Summer - I've had a few moments throughout the planning process where I've felt like maybe my wedding won't be good enough or pretty enough or nice enough or whatever enough, but then I read blogs like yours and realize that as long as we are following our own rules and deciding based on our own tastes, then we'll definitely love our wedding and if our guests love US, they'll love the wedding too!
Thanks for your blog - I tune in every morning. :)
Here is another budget bride.
I think the problem is that the wedding industry makes you think that you "deserve" a 100k$ wedding. But this is not about deserving a nice dress or a nice venue, this is about paying 6K$ for a dress.
I had been lucky to find your blog. Thanks for keeping me sane.
Awww... Summer and Anon. You are awesome.
I hate to say this, but wedding blogs can play into this madness too. They don't all the time, but they can... and have for me at times. I *do* mostly stay away from mainstream wedding media, and this kind of thing still happens to me. Sigh.
Yes, thank you! It's a tough world out there trying to plan something beautiful but remain grounded. Be organized and attend to details, but be fluid, flexible and light. With all the media stories about weddings, it's tough to find balance. Great to find a blog willing to have some rage about it all!
you are my favorite. my very favorite. please don't stop blogging.
just like philly, i'm also a not yet officially engaged girl that's grown quite cynical about the way weddings have blown up into this weird case of bigger and more expensive is better. thankfully, hype has the opposite effect on me since i tend to shy away from the very things people are yelling about that i need to have or do.
i do prefer to peruse the more independent blog sites and when i do venture into the more mainstream parts, i like to look at those things and figure out a way to replicate it for cheaper. because that is always possible.
ack! sounds a lot like law school: they really break you down and force you to compare yourself to everyone else; and someone else is always going to be doing "better." One problematic difference that exacerbates it all is that weddings involve families and families feel the pressure and then transfer all that pressure to the bride ... who's under enough pressure as it is...
I don't think I have any sage words from that experience, though, just a sinking feeling that that kind of competition will never end. You should see the materialism pushed on expecting mothers! My only consolation is that I survived law school, so maybe -- just maybe -- I can survive this.
And Philly -- don't let your friends/families expectations about a ring being an engagement prerequisite damper your joy: congratulations!
YES!
couldn't agree more. i'm not engaged yet, but boyfriend knows about my (perhaps slightly obsessive) hobby of looking at wedding photos and reading wedding blogs. when i drop little tidbits of info like, yeah, almost everyone tells me that it's nearly impossible to have a wedding (ceremony + reception) for under 10,000 his jaw drops in disbelief. neither one of us have parents who would/could contribute to a wedding, and neither one of us could even come up with anything close to 10,000. it's SO frustrating. there MUST be a way have a beautiful, fun, wedding day and celebrate with my close friends and family (who all live far away) and do so in a financially responsible and affordable way. but the wedding industry (and all the ceremony/reception locations and catering places) tells us there is not. and it's MADDENING.
"You know who we should be admiring? Classy budget brides. Couples who eloped, had a lovely and meaningful wedding, and didn't spend a penny."
hell yes!
I feel like I really shouldn't be agreeing with you as vehemently as I tend to, being a wedding industry professional myself. But this is something I struggle with a lot. I have these same kinds of feelings about the idea of becoming a homeowner - something which has LONG felt like an impossibility for me here in CA - where I would walk around our neighborhood "arggh"-ing to myself that these teensy cottages were selling for half a million dollars. I'd get really bitter and resentful of the people who could afford that (oops, turns out... most of them actually couldn't!). the other side of me tried to remember that I had a decent roof over my head and tried to make the best of our funky rental... To me, this feels like the wedding industry in a way: you can totally have a fantastic, personal budget wedding (just as you can repaint a rental, find great furniture from the thrift store, make it classy and your own) BUT it can also be so exhausting and discouraging feeling like you're constantly fighting a crazy, inevitable tide of commercialism and keeping-up-with-the-joneses.
Before we even got engaged, I had panic dreams about our wedding feeling like a big display that wasn't about us; so we got married at City Hall (and je ne regrette rien!), thereby cutting out the struggle altogether. I think it's so important to know yourself and what kind of stress you can be up for! I've worked with (smart, feminist) brides who thrive on choosing colors and orchestrating details; and others who obviously can't wait for it to all be over.
Maybe we should come up with a few mantras: "you don't have to have centerpieces. you can get married in a park for $200. who says you have to pick 'colors'?!" etc.
Sorry for going on and on - I don't know what I'm trying to say exactly except that 1. I hear you sister! from this side of the industry, too. 2. capitalism kind of sucks and puts us all in tricky positions and 3. I often wonder if things are going to dramatically change back to how they used to be (no one in the 50s was spending $150K on a wedding!)...
and, thank you for this blog. Let's hear it for the return to practicality in American commercial culture!
heya- i plan to write my own take on this on my blog, but i will say, once again, RIGHT ON!
i'm going to paste two links to photos from my best friend's wedding. if you email me at contact at promtoaltar dot net i'll give you her email if you want more info.
she planned her wedding in 6 months, it was at her parents' home, and included none of the stuff they say you NEED. it was simply a happy bride and groom, an inexpensive dress, inexpensive decorations, a simple catered meal, beautiful surroundings, and happy people. no DJ, no alcohol, only the simplest of DIY projects. it was the most meaningful and lovely wedding i've ever been to.
photo links:
http://flickr.com/groups/grace_dave/pool/
and pro pics here:
http://share.shutterfly.com/action/pictures?a=67b0de21b35452dba435&sid=2EbuXDRy5YuJA
that's a messy-looking link, hopefully it works.
You know what's amazing???
With so many of us "practical brides" out here, we are NOT the minority!! The people who feel they must spend too much on their wedding are! So why don't we see more realistic and budget-friendly weddings? I will say it seems more blogs are featuring them more and more often, but forget the magazines and those shows "Whose wedding is it anyways"!!
I was just at a friend's wedding, and I realized that even though they go "all out", and even though there were a few hiccups, the wedding was still lovely and everyone had a great time!! And you know what?? I probably noticed more stuff because I was LOOKING (trying to steal ideas!)- those who weren't probably don't remember many of the "details" that everyone preaches to us that we must have!
Love you blog!!!
Amen! Your blog is incredible and such an inspiration!
i've mentioned to some of my friends that i really want to have a $10,000 wedding. you know. now that i'm engaged.
instead of getting a reaction like "f*ck yeah, it's about time one of us got practical!", i get things like "oh, ok, well then i guess your reception's going to have a taco cart and tequila (but not patron cuz that's too expensive)." yes, they're joking but...in a way, it's almost like they're also implying...hm, your wedding's going to be soo cheapass.
so then it makes me think...that the problem isn't just the wedding industry...it's the masses who believe 'budget' could only possibly mean tasteless or trashy or completely lacking. but WHY is that? argh.
it's been frustrating so far...to constantly have to justify my decision to have a budget wedding and to defend that it's not going to be 'lame'...and that it's not my intention to be 'cheap'...
...to the point where i've decided to just stick to my blog to air my budget-mindedness instead of trying to make even my closest friends understand. we all have our own reasons for being budget brides, whether it be financial or practical or situational or whatever...but we shouldn't have to feel bad about it.
holler! great post. got me all riled up. in a good way!
I think the wedding industry bashing is unfair. Wedding magazines present an "ideal" for inspiration. The people (and things) featured in the magazines are expensive because they are the best available. WE love to look at perfection. We buy the magazines... they give us what we want. This is a societal problem. We need to change our values.
I think it's time for couples to take a reality check. As a wedding planner, couples come to me to and hire me to deliver their "vision". and they expect me to deliver perfection. Perfection takes a serious amount of work and time and they are charged accordingly.
I frequently have couples contact me who are unwilling to budge on any of their "dreams" yet don't have the budget to pay for it. I'm not coaxing them into anything. I spend much of my time trying to convince them to live within their means. I often offer less expensive alternatives.
It's up to you to accept what you can do within your means. And... you're right, you can do it yourself and create a gorgeous, magazine-worthy wedding but it does take a lot of hard work and creativity. If you're willing to do it, the more power to you!
I agree. We all should celebrate creativity and a wedding that is "yours" rather than a wedding that may be over 100K but has no personality.
I think any "industry" is fueled by consumerism and our desire to obtain the best, the latest, the most beautiful, gorgeous, etc which often translates to most "expensive." Therefore, I don't it's unfair to bash the industry that sets certain "ideals" that encourage more and more spending to achieve or try to come close achieving those ideals, if only to keep some of us from plunging into debt or spending our downpayments on our wedding. Or just to vent.
Still we all need to look at where our own priorities lie with regards to what is really important on the "big day". As a wedding planner, I am more often offering a "reality check" to my brides as to what is (or is not) important than the reverse.
And while I recognize that there are those who just want to make a buck on brides, know that "wedding industry" is a vague term under which falls everything from MS Weddings magazine to "mom and pop" wedding vendors. There are many quality wedding professionals with integrity who work within the "industry". I can tell you that many of them love being a part of such an important day and want to provide quality services while making a living. We're not all bad.
Hey Sane Planner-
Just so you know, first off, I'm totally aware that some brides have super unrealistic expectations, and I try to deal with that here. I talk a lot about how it's not going to be a perfect day, and you don't deserve to get everything you want, and if you can't afford a big crazy wedding, go small. I was a event planner for years, so trust me when I say that I *really* understand unrealistic expectations and I don't encourage them. Poke around my blog, I'm sure you'll see that.
Second, I use a vague term like "The Wedding Industry" on purpose. It's a good catch all that most brides and grooms understand, and it avoids me saying something negative publicly about something specific. I try not to point to one type of vendor or another and say "Hey - this person, or organization is ripping you off." I don't think it's fair. That said, there is a lot of crazy manipulation going on of brides emotions and wallets, and I want to address that here. I am 100% aware that many wedding vendors are kick *ss small artists, and not only do I support vendors like that, I encourage other couples to support them. That said, some small vendors manipulate, and *lots* of brides manipulate. I try to call out the BS, because the more times we here "It's not a perfect day" the more we are disinclined to act like nitwits.
I'll call out The Knot by name, but that is about it. And for the record, while I dislike some of the ad's, I love Martha Stewart Weddings.
Hope that helps.
Meg
Wow, I love your blog! This post is perfect--I publish a wedding magazine and truth be told, my husband and I eloped to Vegas. I wasn't about to spend and arm and a leg when all I really wanted was just to marry him with our close friends and have a fabulous dinner afterwards. It was the best decision I ever made! There is something incredibly special about having the wedding of your dreams and doing it YOUR way--whether that means making all of your centerpieces, invites and decor or just having a small intimate wedding with close family and friends, there is no reason to spend a fortune on one day that is supposed to be focused on celebrating your marriage. That doesn't cost a thing : ) Great post!
I've always thought that spending a lot of money on a wedding was silly--even when I was a lot younger. What's more important the wedding or the marriage?
Now that I'm planning my own wedding, I really want a wedding that reflects who we are and how we live. We spend our weekend mountain biking in the dirt, drinking beer. Why on earth would we have a fancy wedding in an elegant location with all the "perfect" details? It wouldn't be "us." I don't get stressed out or angry at all the Wedding stuff--I just laugh and think how silly it is. I went into huge debt for my education and that's all the debt I want, thank you very much!
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