I realized that I couldn’t not say something what happened in California today, when we found out that Prop 8 passed by a narrow margin, and that gay marriage would be legally outlawed in California. First of all, I can tell you that getting the news felt like getting drop kicked in the stomach. It was a horrible feeling, and particularly strange coming right on the heels of a night that was filled with elation for so many of us.I’m known for being something of an eternal pessimist, but not today. I refuse. No matter what happened last night, those of us who are on the side of LGBT rights are on the winning side of history, and this will not stand. My family has been fighting actively and loudly for gay rights since I was ten years old, and for the first time in my life victory and justice are so close that I can taste it, and so close that I can see it, just over the horizon. Now is not the time to give up hope, now is the time to pick up the banner and keep marching forward.
If we learned anything last night, as we watched old black women with tears streaming down their faces hold hands and sing old civil rights protests songs, it was that in this country bigotry and prejudice will not stand. Change will come. We will get there together, we just have to keep changing hearts and minds with acts of love and tolerance and acceptance. I speak from the bottom of my heart when I say that no one can take away what I’ve been given over the last few months. No one can take away the feeling of joy and elation I felt watching celebrating legal marriages with long-time couples, how I felt that first Friday in synagogue as we celebrated brand new rights, or what it was like standing on the steps of San Francisco’s city hall as elderly gay men walked out hands held high. That taste of freedom is what gives us the strength to keep going, to keep fighting, to know that justice is around the corner.
I’ll leave you with that old civil rights anthem, which has been ringing in my ears, and is doubly meaningful today:
We shall overcome, we shall overcome,
We shall overcome someday;
Oh, deep in my heart, I do believe,
We shall overcome someday.
We shall overcome someday;
Oh, deep in my heart, I do believe,
We shall overcome someday.
Photo by Jessamyn Harris
P.S. Wedding porn resumes tomorrow, and excellent wedding porn at that.
P.S. Wedding porn resumes tomorrow, and excellent wedding porn at that.
30 comments:
Thank you Meg for writing such a great post. To be honest I had despaired. I'm generally a pessimist - I was convinced McCain would somehow win, but it never occurred to me that Prop 8 would pass. I've spent the day in a funk, and your post has helped me feel better - we shall overcome!
I know exactly how you feel. When I still lived in Portland, Oregon in 2004 we had a similar measure, Measure 36, that would amend the state constitution to outlaw gay marriage. The semester surrounding that election I was actually in a class on, essentially, gay portrayals in the media, and as a class we fought so hard against M36. But our fellow Oregonians (not OUR county, but almost everyone else) disappointed us and voted the measure in, 57%/43%. I felt so defeated. I had even written and mailed letters to representatives in protest to their "save families" propaganda they sent, and as a class we had created a whole website asking people (many who were gay) to share their real life opinions and experiences in favor of same-sex marriage.
I just couldn't even believe that discrimination was being written into the constitution, after all we though we'd learned from our terrible social mistakes.
I have hope that it will still change in our lifetime, at least to a point where it can no longer be outlawed. In this century alone black people went from truly being allowed to vote to rising to arguably the most powerful position in the world! I have hope, we just have to keep fighting.
Just as we have stumbled with trace in this country, we are now stumbling to affirm the rights of gays and lesbians. But we have to believe we are making progress... and President Barack Obama is the best possible proof of this. Change will come in all aspects of civil rights - perhaps not at the pace we'd like, but it will come. In the meantime, we just have to believe.
Please note that Mr. Obama has specifically stated that he is AGAINST gay marriage. Obama may have been against a constitutional ban but that does not mean that he is FOR gay marriage. There should be civil rights for ALL people, not some.
thank you for this! i refuse to give up hope as well. it just means we have to WORK for it. we shouldn't have to, but we will. isn't there something we can do about this? like write the state legislature?! it seems especially outrageous to amend the friggin' constitution with such a small margin of victory.
I, too, tend to be quite the pessimist, but this ruling only made me want to fight harder. I will work even harder to educate others, and promote tolerance in a non-threatening way, so that when this issue is on the ballot again, people will vote with open hearts.
PS: I think it's so odd that Californians put animal rights before human rights. Baby steps, I guess.
beautifully spoken
Meg, this post was perfect. I wish you didn't have to write it today, but you did an excellent job of it. And you're right, progress is happening.
Well said. It breaks my heart that this is a fight that isn't won yet. I hoped but I didn't really believe that Obama would win (I mean, I was utterly convinced that Bush couldn't possibly get in twice, so when I did I lost my faith altogether) but I really believed that Prop 8 wouldn't pass, I just couldn't see how it could.
My heart goes out to every gay person in America today.
Meg, change will come.
I'm from Spain. We were under a dictatorship 30 years ago, it was forbidden for women to open a bank account 20 years ago without their husband acknowledge. But gay marriage is legal now.
Everytime the proposal is voted, pass by a narrower margin. I really think next time will be the time.
You are so right. I couldn't have said it better myself.
Thank you for writing this Meg, it was really spot on for how many of us are feeling today. Torn between pride and happiness and disappointment and bitterness about how this unfair and unconstitutional proposition could have passed. I hope that you are right and that we shall overcome, it cannot come to soon.
I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm surprised and disappointed by my fellow Californians, but I am hopeful that we will be able to revisit this soon and extend civil rights-- and really, state-sponsored marriage is a civil right-- to EVERYONE.
I am a little confused and I hope someone can explain this to me without immediately labeling me a bigot.
1) I agree that everyone should have the same civil rights without discrimination. I think gay people should have the opportunity to endow another person with the CIVIL rights and responsibilities and benefits (healthcare, 401k, tax breaks/penalties, etc). In fact I think we should bundle these rights and responsibilities in a little package called 'civil partnership' and make it apply to everyone: straight, gay, whatever. I am not even sure it needs to be limited to people in a romantic relationship. If you have never found a romantic partner maybe you and your best friends still want to be 'civil partners'. I think that would be true equality.
2) But I think we should also separate the SOCIAL concept of marriage and allow individuals, religious groups - anyone not associated with the government to define it however they will - man and woman, woman and woman, whatever. It is their PERSONAl, SUBJECTIVE belief and as long as they don't hurt anyone else I don't think we should discriminate against them for it.
I truly believe that everyone should have the same CIVIL rights, but my personal, social belief (I am an atheist) is that a marriage is between a man and a woman. I would never discriminate or belittle anyone with a different belief, just as I have religious friends and Republican friends who I love and live with in harmony. So please stop calling everyone who has a different definition of marriage a bigot. It's unwarranted and unfair.
This is beautifully written.
Liz, that is an interesting perspective, although I don't think that the California Supreme Court mandated religious institutions to marry same-sex couples. I'm not sure how the religious freedom argument would go if the California constitution clashed with religious doctrine, but I imagine that, as long as the social institution was a religion, peoples' personal definitions of marriage could remain intact without denying an important right from those who don't share that same personal belief.
thanks so much for this!
it deeply, deeply saddens me that according to exit polls, african americans voted 70/30 yes/no.
the most troubling aspect to me is the disregard of the separation of church and state & freedoms we enjoy in our amazing country. religious freedom allows christians, jews, muslims, mormons, catholics to practice their religion freely WITHOUT state interference--why should those very religions impose their views on the state? it makes me crazy.
last night we attended an historic rally in west hollywood--definitely inspiring and mobilizing. the fight is far from over.
thank you for writing this. I am feel really awful this morning - after finding out that my county, which I thought wouldn't let me down - voted overwhelmingly for the ban. I really can't even begin to understand why anyone would want to keep two loving couples from marrying. Just, why? It's like my brain can't comprehend it. To the poster who doesn't want to be labeled a bigot, but doesn't believe that gay and lesbians should truly have the same rights as heterosexual couples (if you are restricting their right ot marry, that is not equal rights), could you tell us WHY you believe that marriage should only be between a man and a woman? What is your reason? So many people mention God (which angers me, because I am not a member of any religion, and you better believe that my civic marriage ceremony did not mention any deity in any way), but I just honestly do not understand why anyone would feel strongly about marriage being between a man and a woman.
Many people felt strongly, only a few decades ago, about marriage not being between a black man and a white woman, or an asian woman and a hispanic man, and today that would be unthinkable. While I had hoped the majority would see the connection, I still believe that legal fights will take place to continue to push for true civil rights and equality in this country.
And while Obama did say he's against the marriages, I am hoping that some of his more liberal politics can now be shown. No other president-elect has ever mentioned uniting all Americans and included "gay and straight" in his first speech... which is what I am holding onto for hope right now.
I visit your blog quite often, but have never commented. However, after reading this post, I could not keep quiet. Thank you for writing this. I was so so very excited for the gay/lesbian community when California passed the law saying that they could marry, a short while ago. It made me feel that our country was really making progress.But When I found out that prop 8 passed I was furious. You are right though, we cannot lose hope. I will NOT lose hope! Especially after such a victorious night on Tuesday. Change is coming. Justice is coming. In fact, we are already half way there. Thank you for being so honest in your posts and for speaking your mind. I enjoy reading your blog every day.
Liz,
While the California Supreme Court did not extend the civil liberties you describe to everyone (meaning ANY two adult citizens/ civil partnerships), they did extend the right of a CIVIL union to two homosexual people that would protect their rights in the same way as a heterosexual civil union. According to the law there was no mandate for religious institutions to condone this union or provide a service to create a "marriage." So it sounds like you might actually have more or less agreed with the law the way it was before Prop 8 passed Tuesday.
TECHNICALLY, this is a purely a legal dispute to determine whether or not homosexual couples should be granted the same legal rights and benefits as heterosexual couples. Obviously, the debate extends beyond the technical and legal, but the bottom line is that Prop 8 revoked rights, not life-style luxuries.
Meg- Great post. You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. Civil rights IS the winning side of history.
PS. Liz- for the record, I agree that civil liberties for reasons like insurance, etc. should be granted to any two adult people (including parent and adult child).
vestirdeblanco's post says it so well. Spain has come so far since the death of Franco, liberating the country. The USA may be a little slower than a few other countries, but you're moving closer to equality!
We are making progress, for instance I only cried once today, for some reason after seeing that picture on your blog.
Liz, as gays we are allowed to have "domestic partnerships" in California. Which is almost like marriage, but not marriage for so many reasons. I won't go into all of them, but the most obvious being that two people have to co-habitate for six months before they can apply to be domestic partners.
I don't think I would be taking this so hard if I hadn't gotten married to my husband. Now it feels like a personal attack on our marriage.
Hear, hear HEAR!!!
If you want to repeal it there is a petition going around. Sign it here.
http://petitiononline.com/seg5130/petition.html
Hey, thank you for not attacking me for trying to disagree in a respecful manner. I really am open to other perspectives and to being educated.
I am hesitant to start talking about my reasons, because just like you I am sure there are potential counterarguments to my reasons. I've heard them and I am not convinced. At the end of the day, my 'social' belief is just a line that I draw somewhere based on my 'personal' definition of marriage. My reasons are ones you've heard with and probably vehemently disagree with.
Louis, I am not talking about marriage for straight people and domestic partnerships for gays. I am not arguing for 'separate, but equal.' I am arguing that straight people and gays and everyone regardless of their romantic or familial status should have the right to create a civil partnership. 'Marriage' should no longer be a 'legal' term. With whom someone chooses to have a romantic or sexual relationship should not be a determining factor.
That word is so charged with emotional, social, cultural, or religious implications that having the government enforce one or another definition seems unnecessary and impossible.
well said and so glad you had the courage & love to say it.
i feel optimistic, yet so disheartened that we are not evolving as a collective.
Hi All,
I wanted to chime back in. First of all, Liz, I appreciate that you stood up to say you disagreed, and did it respectfully. That takes a lot of courage. Everyone else - thank you for responding to Liz as nicely and articulately as you did. To keep making progress we do, after all, need to change hearts and minds, and shouting at each other (while it sometimes feels good) gets us no closer to the goal.
Liz - I'm not sure I'd have any problem at all with separating the civil and religious aspects of marriage, pick one, pick both, pick none, all fine. However, I can't imagine that is realistically in our future. If people are this concerned about how gay marriage is an attack on marriage, can you even imagine what would happen if people proposed getting rid of the word marriage in government all together? Separately, I think its important for everyone to understand that because of the separation of church and state, just because the state marries people doesn't mean that religions are obligated to. One of the great things about our country is that it has the promise to treat everyone equally under the law, while allowing us to disagree. The problem with Prop 8 is it does not treat people equally under the law. If you don't want to marry someone of the same sex, you shouldn't do so, but you also shouldn't stand in someone else's way. All that you are stopping is the legal foundation being provided for existing loving families, and that does no good at all.
Finally, to Liz, or to anyone else disagreeing but not commenting, I offer you this invitation. Go out and make a real effort to get to know someone who is LGBT, ideally one that wants to get married. Really get to know them. After you've done that, sit back at some point and reflect on what your opinions are. I've found that a lot of these opinions stand up well in abstract, but once you know and love someone in the LGBT community, they really start to fall apart. Once you know and love someone who is LGBT, you get to know, in your heart of hearts, that they were born just the way they are, and need to be loved for just who they were made to be. You also start to realize that most of us have the same dreams: fall in love, make a home, make a family. And how can we deny that to people just biased upon the circumstances of their birth?
Again, thank you all. I'm so pleased about this little discussion.
Meg
This has been a great discussion.
Believe me Liz, I would love nothing more than to see the government get out of the marriage business and give civil unions to everyone.
Then if marriage was something that was important to that person, they could choose to go out and have a religious ceremony of any denomination that would marry them.
Unfortunately Meg is right about that not happening. People already had a fit about the terms "bride" and "groom" being removed from the marriage license application, and they fought to have those terms reinstated. They will not lose the term marriage, and we will fight for it as well.
What I want is the the rights and benefits that come with marriage, and not just at a state level. It's so unfair that a man can fall in love with a foreign woman, marry her, and bring her to this country. If a man falls in love with another man, he's S.O.L. and either the two of them move to a country that will recognize their love, they say their goodbyes, or they break the law and we call one of them an illegal alien.
Our love is valid, and our relationships are valid. You don't have to think it's right, in fact there are lots of things I don't feel are right and are legal, but I don't go and make myself a thorn in the side of people who hunt for sport.
I know this is a really difficult time for all of us who support gay marriage, especially Californians (or ex-Californians, like me) who have now been told that their marriages or their friends' marriages are no longer "real". But I would like to share something that has given me hope in the past few days: Loving v Virginia was the Supreme Court case that overturned anti-interracial marriage laws in 1967. The anti-interracial marriage people used essentially the same language that the anti-gay marriage people currently use, and if we, as a country, could overturn those laws, I have faith that eventually we'll be able to overturn the current laws. It's difficult, now, and it's hard to have hope, but we've come so far, and I know we'll be able to go farther. "We shall overcome", indeed -- always keep that in mind.
Well said guys. I do believe the we have the right to choose whom to love and I'm very proud to those lovely couples that they fought their love to each other.
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