Tips: Fingers and Noggins

Coming in the vague and misty future to a blog near you: some fresh round ups. Namely, a new Indie Ring Round Up* and a first ever Things To Wear On Your Head While You Marry round up (which is going to be even more exciting than it sounds). So, I'm soliciting tips. Do you know of some secret source for an amazing engagement or wedding ring? Did you wear something unusual or handcrafted on your head when you wed? I'm all ears.

Comments are off on this post, but between now and when your post-Christmas eggnog hangover has stopped thumping your noggin, email me your tips at meg at apracticalwedding dot com.

*Squee! A delightful duo of architects got the hidden diamond ring with some help from the last roundup.

Registry: Telling People About It

As part of our ongoing discussion of registries (see: Part I, Part II, Part III), several of you have asked me to share what language we ended up using when talking about our registry. And I figured - why not? First, let me say, that since my sense of etiquette is firmly set in 1933, I would have been more comfortable not ever mentioning to anyone ever that we were registered anywhere, so as to not look like we were asking for gifts. But, if I've learned anything about wedding planning, it's that you should pick your battles, and the irony of the argument that it was more, achem, Practical to let guests know where we were registered was not lost on me.

So, here is what we said about gifts on our wedding website. It won't be right for all of you, but if it helps just one of you, than I've done my job:

What we want most for our wedding is to have all of our far flung friends and family in the same room, and so, more than anything, we consider your presence to be our present. (We mean it!) That said, if you really would like to get us something tangible, here are some suggestions:

• If you are one of our crafty loved ones, we'd love if you considered making us something
• Like shiny toasters? So do we: Our Registry Link Here
  
• And, finally, a gift that will make our day so much bigger than just us. For $45, you can give a gift of a goat in our honor, which will go to a special needs child in Uganda. This goat will give both status and nutrition to a child that is misunderstood by the society they live in. Best of all, you'll get a picture of the goat and the child, not to mention our eternal gratitude. You can read about the project here, and if you choose to give, you can do so with the green donate button on the same page.

How did you tell people about your registry. If you wrote about it on your invitations or wedding website, what language did you use?

In The Paper Store

Lady To Her Friend: (flipping through letterpress invites) I don't know, I mean, maybe I could go with this invitation suite, but it's fuchsia and black, and our colors are fuchsia and grey, which is much more chic, and I'm just afraid these will send the wrong message about the wedding.

Me to Myself: Brides are scary. And weird.

(pause)

Myself to Me: Ah! You are a bride! Right now! And you're here buying wedding invitations.

Me to Myself: Oh my god, that's right. What am I buying again? (looks down at hands) Cream card stock. Oh. Right.

For Someone Who Needs It...

I have a policy that I don't post about giveaways and discounts unless it's something so extra special that it makes me break my own rules. And in this case it is. Photographer Loren Weltsch has been a sweet friend of this blog for a long time, and she is giving away a photo session this holiday season to someone who needs it. Period.

Can you think of someone in your life who is struggling to stay afloat? Do you know someone who has experienced a tragedy or is experiencing some tough times? Someone who volunteers selflessly? Do you know someone who can't afford custom photography, but who would cherish it this holiday season? I want to know who they are, and I want to give them a photo session plus prints and enlargements.

So, Californians, go nominate someone in your life who needs an extra boost. In fact, I challenge you to nominate someone. Times are tough, and there are lots of moms out there that would love a professional photo of their kidlet, or flat broke brides that need something to bring a smile to their face. The rules are on Loren's blog.

Affordable Centerpieces: Harvest Bowls

Normally I don't post about little details, because BOY do we have enough places telling us that details are the focus of our day, and I for one have latent anxiety issues. But, every so often I get requests for affordable centerpieces, and I'm usually clueless. I spent years working as a professional non-profit event planner, and I would have paid cash money for good cheap centerpiece ideas.* But low and behold, fabulous reader Rebbecca sent me this idea.
We did "harvest bowls" (I made that name up) for our centerpieces and scattered copper-colored leaves on the tables. I didn't think that the tables needed a runner after those additions. Putting gourds and fruit in a bowl was incredibly easy -- it was finding the bowls that was the challenge.

I'm firmly in favor of centerpieces that can be eaten (and if you pick your fruit well, they inevitably will be, after some amount of drinking). My great aunt, who has Thanksgivings for 70 in her barn* does centerpieces like this on long tables with piles and piles of fruit and nuts. She would tell you that the key is to polish your fruit to a shine with rags. Which should give your flower girl a way to feel included.

*I can tell you what does not work, from first hand experience. Do not try pairing candelabras with red and black Mardi Gras beads, silver lame, and red roses unless you are intentionally going for a you-might-actually-catch-your-hair-on-fire-1984-phantom-of-the-opera-look.

*One of the many things I hope for out of a long and married life. First I need the barn.

PS - I am totally aware that I am now posting about bowls of fruit, but for gods sakes people, its two weeks before Christmas! Help!

Seeking The Transcendent

The New York Times ran an interesting article this weekend about a Bar Mitzvah called Seeking the Transcendent, Dodging Consumerism. Sound familiar? While I didn't agree with every point the article made, I thought it did an excellent job of discussing the importance of ritual. If the word ritual makes you feel uncomfortable, substitute the word tradition in your head.

For a long time, the concept of ritual had a negative connotation to me. It meant mindlessly going through the motions, or doing something just because everyone else was doing it. But as I have gotten older and less self-righteous, I have come to see that rituals have a place. We can both learn and take comfort from the fact that we are repeating the actions of our ancestors and, at the same time, molding them to have meaning for our family. As Rabbi Jeffrey Sirkman, who performed Ben’s bar mitzvah, said: “Ritual pulls us back from all the mundane stuff and helps make us more transcendent in our lives. Any ritual can have transcendent meaning, but most of the time we miss it because we’re trying to take care of everything else.” So ritual is a way to mark life’s transitions, and it is also a way to make time stop for a moment in the blur of life, to gather family and friends for a rare moment of acknowledgment.

And that, in the end, sums how I think about our wedding. Sometimes I feel like the only Indie Bride that thinks this, but I feel that thoughtful use of tradition can be as revolutionary as throwing out traditional all together. None of the stuff the wedding industry is selling holds much sway when you think of your wedding in this context. Would our ancestors care about our monogrammed aisle runner, sand ceremony, and computerized light show? Somehow, I don't think that's their bag. Is it traditional and transcendent to match our favors to our bridesmaids dresses? Um, nah.

Are any of you reclaiming bits of tradition - or even ritual - to make your wedding meaningful and give the wedding industry a kick in the teeth*?

*PS - when they tell you reply cards are traditional, please tell them where to shove it.

Kerstin & Jacob's Magical Prairie Wedding

Today's wedding is a huge treat for me, because it is like no wedding I've ever seen. Kerstin and Jacob's wedding is old fashioned in the very best sense of the word - handmade and thoughtful. The wedding leaps off the screen as joyful, vibrant, and full of love. It's a wedding made by a community. Kerstin, take it away:
The scene: We had the wedding at the Prairie Woods Environmental Learning Center which is about 5 miles from where I grew up in rural Minnesota. The Learning Center is a vast expanse of prairie and wooded area, with a couple of buildings for events. We had our ceremony outdoors (thank the universe that it was the only beautiful Saturday in September!) overlooking a field of native prairie (meaning it has never been mowed, plowed, etc. -- it's just the way Minnesota prairies used to be hundreds of years ago!). There were a lot of yellow jackets -- my husband got stung - and a little gopher made his way under my skirt for one part of the ceremony! No one noticed but me and my sister, who was the maid of honor - but I thought it was pretty funny...
What made our wedding creative: Our wedding was creative because Jacob & I created it ourselves, from the heart, to reflect our personalities and our values. We literally started with a blank slate, and we made all of our decisions very intentionally - from the site, to the food, to the flatware (made out of corn, and the plates were out of sugarcane fiber!). We designed, printed, punched, and addressed the invitations, programs, and thank you cards together A dear friend of ours officiated the ceremony, and we worked with him a couple of weeks beforehand to nail down the casual 'feel' that we were going for, and the spiritual aspect as well. My mom made my dress. We decorated with things that we already owned. We registered with a local potter to make place settings and serving pieces for us - we were unsure of how this would go but it was a real hit! I also painted & wrote a Quaker Marriage Certificate that everyone signed after the ceremony rather than having a guestbook -- which turned out to be one of our favorite parts of the day.
What made our wedding thrifty: I believe the whole thing came in under $3000. The site was a huge bargain (but don't tell them that!), we got our flowers from a local garden owner who picked us two five gallon pails for cheap We got all of our food from Costco and a local fish market (an array of assorted smoked fish), I made our cakes and we also purchased truffles for a great price from a friend of my mom's. Next to the site fee, the most expensive thing was the band, which was also a real bargain and did a bang-up job - who can beat live blue grass music at a prairie wedding!? We had a very talented friend take the photographs for us for just the cost of developing the black and white pictures. And, of course, my mom made my dress (which only ended up being $80 worth of fabric in the end -- and a priceless amount of work), and my sister/maid of honor made all of the jewelry!What made our wedding sane: I think that having it in a setting that is most focused on nature helped to keep the whole day sane for me. The prairie, the colors, and just the open air allowed me to breathe and just take it all in. Our 'wedding elves' were all of our friends - and we could not have had such a perfect day without their tireless efforts. But - doing all of the work leading up to the ceremony (which wasn't until 5:00 p.m.) really helped to take the pressure off - I had seen Jacob all day long as we went about our separate tasks, we had a fun moment after we both went to get ready and we saw each other for the first time in our wedding attire, but we were really able to relax and just enjoy the time with friends and family, and with each other. It also helped that we had the 'groom's dinner' on Thursday night, then a potluck dinner on Friday, and the wedding on Saturday - so we had a lot of opportunities to connect with people, which was wonderful! It was great to have extra time with family and friends - who had come from all over the United States. After the wedding, we all went out to a nearby state park, had a campfire, sang songs, and danced in the moonlight.
A huge bottom of my heart thank you to both of you for sharing your day with us. I don't think I've ever seen a wedding quite like this one, and it melts my heart. This is what a wedding should be about. Here is wishing you many happy years together. May your wedding day be the start of a long adventure.

Sponsor Introduction: Tiffany The Coordinator

You will never hear me say word one about the concept of wedding planners, because, well, I believe in de-professionalizing weddings. That said, I do understand the idea of Day Of Coordination. Maybe it's the theatre producer in me, who thinks Stage Managers are the closest thing we have on this earth to God. Or maybe it it's the event planner in me, who knows just how much hard work an event is on the day of. Either way, I'm firmly in favor of putting someone in charge of your wedding day who is not you, whether that is a friend or loved one, or a tried-and-true pro.

If you are considering hiring such a person, and you live in LA, you should look into Tiffany The Coordinator. She does what any good DOC/stage manager should do (but so many DOCs do not, grrrr):

1. She lifts and carries
2. She gives you unlimited time (no overtime, no hidden fees)
3. Makes sure you eat
4. Cleans up after the party
5. And, drum roll please, she's open to alternative weddings

Now all we need to know is if she looks sassy but firm with her clipboard. Go check her out.

Save The Dates: The Supplies

I've mentioned we're lazy DIY-ers right? Well we are. We like simple. This is the list of what we used to put our Save The Dates together:

• Cream card stock from Paper Source. $5.75 for a pack of 25 cards. Frankly, I wished this card stock was heavier, but, oh well.
• I thought the Paper Source envelopes were overpriced. I got blue A7 envelopes from LCI paper for $13.50 for a 50 pack. I was very pleased.
• David really wanted to do cool wrap around labels. I really wanted to not hand write 85 addresses. It all worked out. The only problem: I was not willing to pay the price for cute labels. No way. What did we do? We bought labels from office depot, and printed them with a design. Zip-zap, done.
• Cool stamps. From the post office. I toyed with vintage stamps for about two minutes, until I realized what they would cost, and what a pain they were to find.
  
• Printer ink: in this case it was free, but for those who were wondering, we used one set of ink cartridges for the project.
• Vintage map - we found the image online.
  

All in? If you count ink, stamps and everything, it cost us somewhere between $1.50-$2.00 per Save The Date. We would have gotten off cheaper with Vista Print postcards, but this way we got to put together exactly what we wanted, and for us that was worth it.

Our Collaborative Save The Dates

There was never a question that we were going to make our Save The Dates ourselves. I view Save The Dates as extraneous (though, boy, were they practical for us) and hence a fantastic excuse to think outside the box. Since David and I once ran a theatre company where we used to design thinky advertisements, we obviously were not going to pass this chance up. After much vigorous debate about what form we wanted our Save The Dates to take, we decided that we wanted them to be evocative of our values as a couple. What we came up with is not the worlds fanciest design, but it's ours, and we worked together on every inch of it. The front of the card is a vintage map of the bay area, marked with important spots for both us and our family. We marked our wedding venue, and where we got engaged, but we also marked where my parents got married, where my grandparents got married, and where each of our mothers lived as a girl. It was a way of rooting our wedding in family history, and showing that for us the wedding represented not just the creation of a new family unit, but the merging of two families.The back of the card is simply a poem, our names, and the date and time of the wedding. We found this poem on a plaque on Chestnut and Embarcadero in San Francisco. It's not about love, but about choice.

Icon, By Mark Osaki

Once, in a great while
you will see a sign
and invest in it everything
out of the simple faith
it is meant for you

You will surrender
all you've been taught
to the purity of its direction
and stand perfectly still
knowing nothing more is beyond it

This is how they will find you:
unable to break away, peering
steadfast from the threshold
starved be certainty
blessed forever and unobserved

Next up, our low-effort DIY supplies.

Sponsored Post: At Home Printing

One of the weirdest things about blogging has been the onslaught of emails from publicists offering me samples to truly bizarre wedding crap. Would I like edible bride and groom heads made of chocolate, so I could blog about what great favors they would make (Ahhhh! No! I would not!) So I when Epson contacted me to see if I would like a free color printer so I could blog about using a home printers for DIY wedding projects, I was a little bit surprised, because it was such a good idea.

So, here is the deal, Epson sent us a Artisan 800 printer, which we used to print our Save The Dates, and it is an excellent printer. It's wireless (so I can print from my laptop, while blogging, whee!) and it has an insane number of colors. Also, it prints directly on things like CD's, so you don't have to use labels. Awesome.

But, this is what I really want to talk about. Somewhere along the line, back when home printing was in the dot-matrix era, we decided that it was really classless to print wedding invitations at home. Since then we've been seduced by the siren song of letterpress* and gocco. Here is the thing: home printers have become really good. Home printers are also really practical - you either already have one, or if you buy one, you'll use it for years (and on a million other wedding projects). More to the point, they print really well. We've been asked a few times now where we got our Save The Dates printed (err... the living room?) So, why is there still a stigma around using home printers for wedding projects? It's time to kick this madness to the curb.

Next up, our long-awaited (wheee!) Save The Dates, designed by us and printed at home. Yay!

*Our wedding invites will be letterpress, but that is all thanks to my letterpressing sister.

On Civil Discussion

I'm sorry it's come to this, but here we are.

99% of you are the sweetest commenters that the world has ever seen. You're witty, delightful, well-read, and sassy. You think critically, you prompt discussion, you support each other and me. Sometimes I wish we all had a standing brunch date (at an increasingly big restaurant) where we spent 20 minutes chatting about our weddings, being supportive, and swapping wedding goods, and then we settled in for a nice long gab about politics, books we'd just read, that article in the New York Times last week, and fabulous etsy finds.

But then, there is the other 1% of commenters. As the hostile comments on this blog have piled up, I decided it was time to set a few ground rules. So here goes:

1. Think before you write. The couples who write about their weddings here are real people, as am I. We might have made different decisions than you would have made on a particular issue, but before you write, think. Don't write anything that you wouldn't say to someone over a cup of coffee.

2. Do not make nasty or judgmental comments on real wedding posts. If you do, I will delete them. Making an unkind comment on a post about someone's wedding is a little bit like peeing in their guest book. If you don't agree with their wedding philosophy, that's fine. But there are plenty of other places to discuss it (both on and off this blog) in a way that is not hurtful to people who were kind enough to share pictures of their wedding day.

3. If you want to write me about how I'm a capitalist sellout/ pinko commie, and the weddings I feature here are too budget/ not budget enough, please know that I've heard it before. I post about weddings that are a betwixt and between, and don't tend to fit into any strict set of wedding rules. I know this, I've thought about this, and I do so intentionally.

4. If this site makes you feel bad about your wedding, please stop reading it. Life is too short.

In sum: I love comments that promote thoughtful discussion, dislike comments that make blanket judgments, and reserve the right to delete comments as I see fit.

NOW! Lets set up that giant brunch date.

(Happy comments that restore my faith in the delightfulness of the internets are, of course, welcome)

Selina & Jeremy's Fall Santa Cruz PAR-tay

All of the very best weddings that readers send in are weddings that leave me feeling like "Dang! Why wasn't I at that party??" And this wedding is undeniably one of those. It also happens to be stunningly beautiful, but that's almost beside the point. Let me count the ways I love this wedding: awesome Northern California couple, amazing food, bargain shoppers, amazing blue grass band... and wait for it... DIY flowers that my little baby blog helped inspire! Weee! So, ladies and gentleman, I bring you Selina & Jeremy and the Santa Cruz wedding that could.
Ceremony, Wilder Ranch, Santa Cruz, California
Reception, our backyard, an 1877 Victorian in Santa Cruz, California (not owned, but a near-permanent rental from a family friend.)
We loved how our wedding turned out. Every element was handpicked by us. And by doing the legwork ourselves, we were able to spend on just about everything we wanted.
We’re pretty big foodies and love to host a good party. By seeking things out ourselves, buying direct, we felt like our money went to the people we like to support. This is how we stayed sane! And by making sure that all of our choices felt true to us and were not excessive.
Our creativity shone through…
… the fall wreath I made for the front door with leaves from the florist and seed heads collected from my garden.
… the chalboard signs I painted and wrote on for directions, the bar and foods.
… making bouquets and big flower arrangements for the first time. The gorgeous flowers really did the work for me. My mom’s acorn boutteniers were the best though.
… using what is in season for décor and food. There were amazing pumpkins, gourds, fruits- especially the apples- at the markets.
… using straw bales to set the mood of the bluegrass band we hired. Added bonus was that all the kids had something to climb and sit on.Where we were thrifty…
… The biggest savings we got were by hosting the party at our house- no corkage, no rental fees, no insurance or other sneaky fees. Plus we had no time limit at night and carried on until 2am!
… We saved money by buying direct (like kegs from the brewer, wine from a friend, the cake, and flowers) and picking items up ourselves and setting a lot up ourselves. We were able to have an amazing spread of food by picking two caterers. One was our top pick, and we selected a minimal but top quality choices from them. The other was a wood fired pizza crew, with their own mobile oven. Not only did they provide fabulous fresh food, but they also a wonderful presence, ambiance and entertainment.… We bought cakes from our favorite local bakery. Instead of spending on one fancy decorated cake, we ordered 3 different flavored cakes from them- a carrot cake, chocolate hazelnut, and Italian rum. I asked for the opposite- to not decorate with piping and to use just a simple spread of frosting. The result was a simple and elegant dessert table that was accented by platters of cookies, and decorated with flowers and fall leaves. The cakes themselves stood apart because of their size and focus on ingredients rather than sugary fluff.
… I did all the flowers myself! I found a local, sustainable grower at our farmer’s market and bought directly from the farm. I only had to supplement with a few things from a wholesale florist. What could have cost us a couple thousand dollars cost us less than $500 for all the tables, bouquets and multiple arrangements around the house and on buffet tables. It probably took about 6-7 hours of my time in the days before, which is a lot, but I budgeted my time for it and it worked out great!… We hired a wonderful bluegrass band that plays at local farmer’s markets. Since we could only afford a 3 hour gig, we put together different themed playlists on the iPod to use with the amplification system we had rented for the whole night.… We found beautiful designer clothes for a fraction of the price. I found my dress, a Judd Waddell made of pure silk for $300 as a sample (reg. $2500!), and Jeremy found a Hugo Boss pinstriped linen suit 70% off! He donned some plaid wool Converse; I found some plum colored wedge heels at Macys that matched my bridesmaids’ dresses. The bridesmaids found their matching dresses at Anthropologie for less than a “bridesmaid” dress price. The best part is that everyone can re-wear every piece again, with the exception of the wedding dress.

Selina & Jeremy, thank you so much for sharing your day with us. Next time, I want to come to your party (I kid. Or, do I?) Check out more of this amazing wedding here and here.

Photos by Jay Reilly

How I Tamed The Registry

As regular readers know, I've been struggling with registry ennui. A registry was right for us (it isn't for everyone!) since it was going to let our family members help us celebrate in a way that made them happy, but I just couldn't get my arms around it. Getting new and fancy stuff didn't feel quite right to me.

Then last week, I decided to take a trip to the store we are registered at on my own. I started wandering around, picking things up, thinking about them. And then, of course, I started getting chatty with the salespeople, because that's just how I roll. Suddenly questions were piling out of my mouth - questions I never expected to ask.

"How sturdy are these plates? Because you know kids, they drop things."
"I like this toaster, it seems solidly built. Will it last? Does it come in a four slice model, so the whole family isn't waiting on toast?"
"Tell me about these pots. Will we take them with us to the retirement home?"
"This table cloth - is it big enough for the extended family at the holidays?"

And then I got it. The registry has nothing to do with the wedding. Our great-aunts and grandmothers are on to something when they insist that you register so they know what pots you want. The registry is not about the wedding, the registry is about the marriage. For us, we hope that means a long life with a passel of kids, a ton of family gatherings, and lots of cooking. So for us, that's what a registry is about - letting our friends and loved ones build that home for us. The registry is like a barn raising.

Do we have dishes now? We do. They look just fine, but we got them when we were young and poor, and if you look cross eyed at them they break. Not great for a lifetime with kids. I'm still figuring out what to do with our old dishes. I'm thinking we might give them to a battered women's shelter. I worked at a shelter years ago, and I know those women need some dishes.

And of course, we're still registering for goats.

Our Wedding Rules

I've noticed that I've started making a small running list in my head of my own arbitrary wedding planning rules, and I thought I'd share what's on the list so far:

1. No DIY projects that involve tying hundreds of tiny bows.
2. No favors. No apologies.
3. No use of the word 'lover' in the ceremony. Period.
4. No colors. I know, anarchy is next.*

Got your own?

*Oddly, of all the wedding decisions we've made, the one that we've taken the most heat for is not having wedding colors. Are you kidding me? Do we live in 1955? What is it about weddings and being unable to think outside the box? Whew. Vent over.

Sponsor Introduction: Bravo Bride

On of the things that makes me the most crazy about weddings is the sheer amount of wasted stuff. We don't throw parties for all of our nearest and dearest that often, so at the end of a wedding, you tend to end up with a bunch of stuff you can't use again - table cloths, candles, extra film, and on and on and on. If you have another friend getting married, you can happily pile it on her doorstep and ride off in to the sunset, but if not....

...Enter our newest sponsor BravoBride. This site has been set up as a giant craigslist-type site for buying and selling wedding items. It's affordable, its efficient, and it's green. The site sells everything from wedding dresses, to wedding rings, to tea-lights. Hooray! At the moment some featured items include 7 vases for $40, a Nicole Miller dress for $350, and a passel of votives for $5. And, to top it all off, a portion of their proceeds go to the American Heart Association's Go Red for Women campaign. So, go check it out!

Concealed Weapons

Of course, if you are having a Marie Antoinette themed wedding, you'll need to get this excellent Toybreaker tie for the groom.
Marie's coat of arms and signature on the front, a guillotine on the back. You wouldn't want anyone to think you've lost your sense of irony.

Trends I Tire Of: Marie Antoinette

**I have, of late, restrained my commentary on wedding trends, so as to not risk offending some of my more delicate readers. It seems, however, that my inner censor has gone on vacation. Delicate readers, avert your eyes.**
Questions to ask yourself before planning a Marie Antoinette themed wedding:

• Do you want to base your marriage on the woman who said "Let them eat cake!" when the French peasants had no bread to eat? I understand you'll be serving cake at your reception, but you still might want to think this through.
• Do you know that she ended her life in a small jail cell, before she was beheaded by the guillotine for treason? Again, I know you liked the movie, but something to ponder.
• Are you marrying a gay man? Because this is the only way you have even a 1%* chance that your partner will like your theme.
  
• Would you like people to arrive with bouffant unwashed hairdo's infested with rats?
• Despised for legendary excesses? Mmmm. You do know about the financial crisis, non?

*Gay men: I do think you have better taste than this.

**And with that final volley of sass, I'm off for Thanksgiving. Happy travels, and much unedited dishing to each of you! And for all my non-American readers, have a scotch in our honor. This year, for a change, you might just wish you were us!**

The Bridal Brigade

One of the things I love best about the Internet is it gives us all such a diverse and exciting set of wedding role models. I'll admit, I love me some Martha Stewart, but many of my wedding dilemmas are never going to be addressed in the pages of a wedding magazine, and I'm rarely going to flip through a wedding glossy and see people that look like our amazing friends. Which brings me to Christina & Patty's amazing wedding on Snippet & Ink a few weeks back. (Which reminded me of every single thing I love about LA.)

The whole wedding was stunning, and my kind of party, but the thing that blew me away was Christina's bridal brigade. Instead of having a traditional bridal party, all of the woman in her life pitched in to helped make the wedding happen, and she honored the group by making them her bridal brigade. As you guys know, I've been struggling with the idea of traditional wedding party. For me it's felt limiting and a bit uncomfortable. We have lots of important people in our lives, but somehow they didn't fit into the bridal party model (not to mention my total lack of interest in picking matching dresses for them).* We do however have tons of people helping with the wedding, not to mention a pile of Jewish honors to be handed out (chuppah holding! readings! blessings! door guarding! chair lifting! More blessing!) So the idea of a bridal brigade made me very happy inside.

I talked to Christina, and this is what she said about it:
The Bridal Brigade was amazing as it really, truly felt like a community effort. And I honestly think my friends had a great time (I hope they did--they seemed like it!!). It was also fun to use people's particular talents, for example, my friend Moore is a fantastic vegan baker, so she made our Vegan Chocolate Rose Cupcakes. My friend Kate (and her mom, honorary Bridal Brigade member!) does amazing work with flowers, so she put together my bouquet & all of the greens & flowers. Two of my friends are in graduate writing programs, so I asked Antonia & Melissa to write something to read at the ceremony. When we did DIY projects at my house, I usually bought lunch or snacks & really we just had a fun time crafting together! And Georgia, the "General," was my right hand organizer, taking over all the details, especially day of, so I didn't have to think about it!

That, my friends, is what I'm looking for in a wedding. A day put on by my community, not by a planner. A day about not just about who we are as a couple, but who we are as a party of a greater family - a family of friends and loved ones. This weekend, I had lunch with the marvelous Emily of Emily Style, and she gave me many many wise words of advice on weddings, one of which was "Ask people to help. Ask everyone to help. Everyone loves helping at a wedding."

And so I shall!

*Confession, if I'd gotten married a few years back, I think I would have picked out dresses for bridesmaids. But something about nearing 30 seems to make me less romantic, or fussy, or just, energetic like that...

Why I DIY

This was Project Wedding Weekend. We shopped for wedding dress fabric, we put together our Save The Dates, we finished our wedding website. At one point, late on Saturday night, I looked around the living room and there were scraps of silk, stamps, card stock, and inspiration pictures all around us. It was such a happy feeling. It was my first moment of wedding planning where I thought - ah, this is what I've always dreamed of.

Some moments from the weekend:

• I had lots of time as I sat hand addressing Save The Dates to think about our discussion about WIC vs DIY. Why do I DIY (or 'make stuff" as I call it in my head)? I realized sitting there that I make stuff because I want it to be mine, to be ours. I want something that's not a product someone marketing to us, but something we thought through and put together with our own hands. It was particularly nice to feel like we were sending something we'd thoughtfully created out to guests. It felt like sending them a little bit of us.
  
• Each time I walked into a fabric store someone would ask me "What project are you working on?" and I would flinch. I'm used to trying not to tell people that we're getting married in stores, because I hate that moment when it seems like dollar signs flash across their eyes. So, I sighed and said guardedly "we're shopping for fabric for my wedding dress." Each time there was a pause, and then shear un-guarded delight beamed from their face. "That's so wonderful!" they'd squeal, "Thats so exciting!" That reaction was reason enough to DIY. And if you ever go to Britex, look for Douglas on the silk and lace floor. He's my guy now. He told me, "When you find a fabric that speaks to you, that's your fabric. Just no point in looking after that." And he was right.
  

If you DIY, why? What to you get from making things? For me, when the world gets crazy, when I feel like being a bride is nothing more then being an advertisers dream, the simple act of putting something together with my hands brings me back to the moment, back to what I care about, back to what it's all about. The saving money is nice too, but I don't think it's the point.

Picture: my living room floor on Sunday morning

Project Wedding Dress - It Begins

I mentioned in a past post that, inspired by the incredible Kimi, I'm going to attempt to make my wedding dress. In fact, it seems that all of the women in my family and David's family will attempt to make my wedding dress together over the holidays (how cool is that?) This sounds more ambitious then it is, since my mom sewed all of our clothes when we were little, and my sister and I have been sewing and designing our own clothes since we could reach the machine - we just haven't done much of it in recent (busy) years. Project Wedding Dress starts this weekend, as I crawl out of my sickbed to go fabric shopping, or more precisely, to go shopping for fabric swatches.

So this is where you come in, you creative and crafty readers. I'm looking for heavy silks and interesting lace. Where in San Francisco should I be going shopping? On my list so far are Britex (those colors, swoony delicious), and Satin Moon Fabrics. Where else should I shop?

Current handmade wedding dress inspirations: this handmade wedding dress via Once Wed , Another drop dead amazing dress from Down to My Soul via Peonies and Polaroids

Team Practical, You Are Excellent

Thank you ALL for your fantastic inspiring comments and links and good stuff today. It made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Now it turns out I'm not so much burned out as I am sick. That's probably why everything I type turns out like "grumblefishgog" and I delete it immediately. So, now I'm going to go do what the picture suggests, and cuddle up. Once I feel better I'm trusting that the good ideas in my head will come out better on the page.

But! I leave you with this. One of the most awesome comments of the day came from Amanda, who writes the excellent blog First Milk. I'm not sure why she's not one of the stars of the blog-o-sphere already, but she should be. Girl's got sass, and man can she can write. So while I take a bit of time off and feel better, go read and leave comments.

Photo via Courtney, of her wedding (it's what we have to look forward to afterwards, she says. Excellent!)

Needing Inspiration...

I've been feeling burned out and having a hard time writing lately, and today I got a wonderful email from a reader, it said:

Dear Meg,

I've never written a "Thank you!" email to a blog I love before, but...THANK YOU! I am getting married next September, and I am just so grateful for your inspiring posts in a land of Monique Lhullier-obsession!

You don't have to reply. I just wanted to say, Keep 'em coming. You have no idea how much fist-pumping your posts are being met with.
Laura

It made my day. Fist pumping, that's something I can get on board with.

Sometimes, I think, the best way to combat burn out is by being grateful. So, I wanted to say thank you to each one of you readers. Thanks for your wise comments, your kind emails, for sharing your amazing weddings with me, and for your general support. I read every single thing you send me, even though I've run out of time to respond to each one. Thanks for making me feel ok that the wedding industry en masse sometimes makes me want to stick a fork in my eye. Thanks for helping me trust my gut, even when it seems weird or different. Thanks for sticking with this little blog.

And, if you're feeling particularly generous today, I'd love it if you'd leave me something inspiring - a cool link, or something that's giving you a spring in your step. It doesn't have to be wedding related! Because I could use the inspiration.

Sponsor Introduction: Kali Kraum Photography

I'm so pleased to introduce our newest Practical Sponsor - Kali Kraum Photography. Kali is a local San Francisco photographer who particularly enjoys photographing down to earth creative couples. Her photos are dreamy (I wish the above photo was of me), but it gets even better than that. Kali works hard to run a green business - she buys carbon offsets for each bride and groom, but (here is where it gets crazy cool) she also plants a tree in each couples honor. All together now... awwwww.... San Francisco couples, check out Kali's work here, and her blog here.

Shower Me With Love

When we first got engaged my father gave me Miss Manners: On Weddings (a book I’ve previously recommended as being indispensable). While the book is not, by and large, written for the bride, it does open with a list called “Things A Bride Need Not Trouble Her Pretty Head About.” Trust me, this list gets more hilarious and informative the farther into the planning process I get. The very first item on this list is this:

“Do not worry about who is going to give you a shower. The shower is a lighthearted nonessential element of and engagement (as opposed to, say, the fiancé, who is essential and whose heart should be fixed at this point). In any case, it is voluntary on the part of the bride’s friends. They either throw one or they don’t, but she can’t demand one.”

As soon as I read this, I thought to myself, “Oh, well, that’s some advice I can get on board with.” As far as I was concerned, the last thing I needed was other parties to stress about. So, I promptly forgot all about bridal showers. I’d never been to one anyway (have I mentioned that our rather avant-garde, overly-educated friends are not currently the marring types?) So, I had nothing much to obsess about.

It’s funny how the moment you (finally) totally let go of all our preconceptions in the wedding planning process* things just fall into place. So, as soon as I’d completely forgotten about bridal showers, I of course promptly had two. The first shower was this weekend, and it was thrown for a few of my east coast friends by a dear friend from college in New York City. When she decided to throw the party, she asked me what I wanted my “theme” to be for the gifts. My eyes went wide with panic. I’m not so good with registries, so the idea for picking a theme for gifts felt totally beyond me. My friend helped me sort through the options: Did I want gift cards? (No, I did not. It felt like asking for cash, and many of our friends are poor/in grad school) Did I want things from my registry? (No, I did not. We don’t really have a registry yet.) Did I want gifts themed by hours of the day? (No! Did I mention our friends are avant-garde artists?) So after much thought, we decided that what I did want was books – lots and lots of books. Books were perfect for me because 1) I can’t own enough of them 2) They come at lots of different price points and 3) My friend throwing the shower happens to be a super-talented book editor.

So. There we were. A book shower. I was pleased, but I still didn’t have much in the way of expectations. I bought plane tickets and a new shirt. The day of the shower I tried to get my hair to lie down nice and flat. Then, David and I rushed out of the party-throwers way, and ran off to a huge demonstration for gay marriage rights**.
By the time we got back to the apartment, I was shocked: a giant cheese-ball had been made from scratch, Deviled Eggs had taken over the counter space, a pink cake had been procured from Magnolia bakery, rose petals and tiny silver wedding bells had be-strewn every surface of the house, champagne was being handed out, and there were piles of craftily wrapped presents.

The shower itself was an absolute delight. Friends from every part of my New York life all showed up at one apartment. Almost no one knew each other, but everyone seemed delighted to be there. We all drank, we told stories, we admired the enormous cheese ball. Three or four people said they’d never been to a wedding shower before. We all pondered if we should do something silly or embarrassing. Should I sit on a big chair? Should we make something out of toilet paper? We decided no, maybe we should just have another drink and talk some more. Then we got to the presents. I’m not sure I’ve ever had more fun opening presents. Even though almost no one properly recorded their purchases in the registry, I didn’t get a single double book. Everyone bought something that reminded me particularly of them. Cookbooks, political science books, novels, coffee table books, all there. Then we had cake, and more champagne. And is if all that wasn’t enough, my dear friend passed on special candy bars to everyone with our initials, our engagement date, and our wedding date. And then we all trooped out into the fall night to meet all of David’s friends at a dive bar.

What’s the lesson of all this, other then showers can be loads of fun? Well for me it was, when you relax, and stop caring about what your style is, or what your wedding philosophy is, and just let people do what they want to do, they will help you celebrate your wedding in ways you never would have imagined. So just let it all go a little bit. Trust your friends and family, get rid of your expectations, and enjoy the ride. People love you more than you know.

*Desaray wrote an excellent post about just letting go in ceremony planning over at Dingmoonment.

**hint: start your wedding parties by doing something good for the world. It will make you feel grateful and happy.

Photos: The invite!, crafty present by my crafty friend Lauren who also took the photo, some of the books I received

Scattered, but back

I'm just back, tired and happy, from a whirlwind trip to our beloved New York City. We flew out for a bridal shower that a dear friend insisted on throwing for me. At first, I was a bit apprehensive about the concept of a shower... it sounded so 1950's. But now that I'm back, a little older and wiser, I can tell you that it was fantastic. If getting married is more joyful than this marvelous weekend, then one's head must actually explode from all the love and delight.

As soon as I pull my wits together, I'll be back with the full scoop.