If you get angry at how totally screwed you feel (rock, hard-place, hard-place, rock) when planning a wedding as in intelligent woman, then people call you the-word-I-won't-even-say-here-because-it's-so-un-feminist. So it's time for a new word:
Engragment - The feeling of rage that so often sweeps over you when trying to plan a wedding within the bounds of reason, while staying true to yourself.
Possible uses:
Honey, I just called that super hip, low-key venue that we saw on the blogs. You know the one's all the budget/DIY couples were using? Yeah. It costs $7K for a Saturday afternoon, and that doesn't include tables, chairs, plates, or the security guard and the venue DOC that we have to hire. I feel so engraged I could rip out my hair.
Oh. That's nice. This wedding magazine said this bride was super-budget-conscious, but the wedding is at that $7K venue, she's wearing two designer dresses, and the photographer is that one who's prices start at $10K. This is BUDGET??? This cr*p makes me engraged!
So I asked my mother today if she'd help haul the beer to the site the day of the wedding. But, engragingly, she just told me, "Oh, I don't think that will work. But don't worry dear, it will all work out, and just remember, at the end of the day you'll be married!"
How would you use it? Go!
(Thanks Carrie, you make my typos better.)
Monday, November 23, 2009
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57 comments:
Actually, I was so engraged, I eloped. : )
this is slightly off topic, but I thought of APW when I was reading a magazine (not even a wedding magazine) and I found this disgusting, ENRAGING ad for platinum.
I need to scan that thing,
"and just remember, at the end of the day you'll be married!"
Oh, how I hate that one.
Sure, I know that's the important part, but if we didn't care about the party at all, we'd ALL just elope, eh?
Yes. Thank you. Once again!
tell it like it is, sister! amen!
It really engraged me when my boss not only told me that she couldn't believe that I was using flat printing instead of thermography, but also told me that I addressed her save the date wrong because I included her first name (following her husbands)... something I read on your blog! WHO CARES?!?
Whenever anyone offers helpful advice about all the "musts" I have to include in my wedding, I get mildly engraaged. I get especially engraged when that advice comes from my normally sane mother who had a backyard wedding herself and yet who has no sense of budget or "but why bother" limitation with MY wedding.
Hee. I like this.
I love it. It sums up my experience thus far. What is ENGRAGING is that once you say wedding there are certain expectations that seem to need to be met. How many family parties have you been to that don't have tents? well then why does my wedding bbq needs a tent? Isn't is just a family party?
thats just the beginning
i keep telling myself 9 months to go :)
Awesome post, Meg. "Enraged" is a label I can get behind. I can't tell you how many times I'd get called the b-z word when *I* was being the rational/frugal one in the room, which made me want to pull all of my hair out.
when i met with a photographer's associate (because i couldn't afford the 7k photographer) and she told me she was 3.5k AND that the digital files or any media was EXTRA i was ENGRAGED!
when every quote comes in and my parents monetarily compare it to my sisters wedding 3 years ago with disbelief i become ENGRAGED...
When my future father in law tells me we should be going with the other tent company because they are nicer, but also cost more than my ENTIRE wedding budget I want to scream that i don't care as long as no one gets rained on and become ENGRAGED!
this was a great way to start the day, a great vent - thanks Meg!
when i told my grandma i was just wearing a flower in my hair and no veil, she freaked out and pestered me unil i became so engraged that i, i, ugh...that i caved and agreed to wear the veil just for the ceremony. and that makes me even more engraged.
When my stepmother insisted that her awful first cousin be invited, even though Stepmother was not contributing monetarily to the wedding, I became engraged. When said cousin brought her daughter who had H1N1 flu, I really became engraged. When my stepsister contracted H1N1 from cousin's daughter and missed the wedding and reception, well, words fail me. Said cousin is now no longer on my Christmas card list.
I was so engraged at people (my husband to be especially) that "it'll all work out" that even just reading that in your post brought back a little of the engragment.... Argh! It'll "all work out" if you just suck it up and work ON it!!
I'm getting irritated just thinking about it, and I've been married for two months. I think I need some tea and slow breathing exericises...or booze. Booze works too....
"Oh, I know you didn't register for gifts and repeatedly (but politely!) urged us simply to donate to charity in your name if we wanted to do something, but I just knew you'd love this giant crystal bowl from a tiny jewelry store in our faraway home town so you can never return it!"
Engraged.
i became engraged when i found out that my cousin decided to have her wedding only 2 months after mine, even after she knew when mine would be. even though this is her second marriage, and she keeps stealing away from the specialness of my wedding. and competing with out of town guests from our family. every time she contacts me to compare ideas, i go into a state that reminds me of bride wars, the movie!
I was engraged to see an advertized price of my campus chapel to go from $25/hour to $950/for three hours for a wedding. All of these "anythingbutawedding" prices are so much less engraging than the wedding prices!
@Sarah
Deep breaths. Your wedding will be special to you in a deep inside place that no one can ever touch or understand. The great thing about that is that it will give you joy that extends to the mountain tops, and you'll be thrilled to celebrate with your cousin. I swear. The most emotional wedding I've ever been to (for me) was the one that happend three months after mine. So open your hands ang be generious of spirit (even when it's hard). It will come back to you a thousand times over. Swear.
No competition, just love. And it's not her second wedding, it's her last :)
xo
I got engraged when the saleswoman at the lingerie store said I needed to get something nicer for my "trousseau". Who am I? Marie Antoinette???
Yes! Best post ever!
It's engraging how bridal "salons" can actually convince people to shell out hundreds of dollars for a piece of tulle hot glued to a plastic comb. Tulle costs 1.99 a yard. I have a glue gun you can borrow.
@Sarah - My cousin scheduled her wedding for 10 days after mine (seriously) so I understand your pain. But I'm trying to take Meg's advice and be happy that she's happy and trust in the fact that her wedding can't take away from our joy!
I'm not sure where to begin on the engraged! but I like this word. and I love that it was born of a typo.
I find it engraging that according to blog land I can DIY my own baked goods, my own flowers, and a host of other details and still shell out 40,000 for a perfect wedding. wtf?
I get a tingly little engraged feeling every single time I see people's faces go blank when we say we're having an intimate wedding brunch.
People don't get why on earth we wouldn't do an evening reception downtown, never mind that we're already using parts of our student loans to pay for our wedding and are dealing with debt incurred from medical school.
Engraged.
HAHAHAHA, I love this! It will go right next to HANGRY (Hunger that leads to Anger) in my list of favorite words!
Oooh fun. You know what's engraging? The BM dress search. I have one VERY VOCAL BM so I first offered to let her choose her own dress. She declined. Then she's gone on to shoot down every idea I've run by her, my favorite complaint being it's not SEXY enough. She hates the color I've suggested (plum), because she wants black -- which the FI does not want. She continues to remind me to make it affordable (all the dresses I've chosen have either been under $130 or will be subsidized by me to make it so) and rewareable, but she thinks an Anthro dress isn't "bridal" enough. The clincher? For HER wedding, she's chosen for us a pea green poly-satin dress from David's bridal that after alterations will cost me $200+. Engraged!
Bridal salon consultants who coo 'oooo, this dressssss is ssoooo slimming' are engraging! How dare they insinuate that every bride needs to lose weight?
@One Barefoot Bride
I'VE GOT ONE THAT STILL GETS ME ENGRAGED!
When trying on my dress for the first (and only) time, I admit it was tight. The first thing out of my grandmothers mouth is "You need long-line undergarments" as I stand there with already a lack of confidence in my dress choice. THEN as we are leaving the salon she looks at me and says "well, you better not gain any more weight".
REALLY? REALLYYYY? I'm a pretty relaxed girl but that just makes me the exact defenition on enraged.
OH, and how about all of the people who are just assuming that this wedding is going to be "expensive for them". B*thces, we are paying for this wedding ourselves and I'm not even making you buy a bridesmaids dress!
Okay, rant over. Thank you ladies for not making me feel like I'm being a Bride-*****!
<3
THANK YOU for this post - I'm trying to find a venue in Portland that is rustic, natural & most importantly - AFFORDABLE. I'm sorry, having a wedding on a farm on a SUNDAY that costs 7k before catering, flowers or anything else is ENRAGING!
Oh & your future mother-in-law telling you AFTER you've purchased your dress that she thinks it is 'too low cut' and that her mother would be happy to make you a jacket to cover up - also enraging.
These always make me feel like I'm not alone:
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/an-ode-to-the-passive-aggressive-comment/page/5
Cheers ladies!
that's the point i was trying to make over at A Los Angeles Love that i go all Rawrrr in my head at people saying they were "budget conscious" when they actually weren't in reality. except i can't really call myself Engraged since i'm not even engaged. although it is a cute term.
Ah I'm guilty of using the word 'guest-zilla' for guests that engrage me, but I feel that it's gender neutral and a pretty apt description of some people's comments.
Mine? "you're having a catholic ceremony? oh jeez, that's like an hour right? I can't believe people still DO that. Why would you want anything over 15 minutes?" Grrr.
The fellas desired response is to say they don't have to come to the 4 hour reception if 45 minutes to watch us get married is to much. I'm trying to be nicer, but his idea is pretty tempting.
When my mother asked me if we were planning to just go to the courthouse and "get it over with." So effing what if it's my second marriage, it doesn't mean I love him any less. Engraging.
That I could not, for the life of me, find tables with benches (wanted to have a family style meal with no division between people, all about togetherness) to rent for less than $50/table. It would have taken my whole budget. Engraging. Also, the disbelief at our budget, it was small, but damn if it didn't work beautifully.
Aw yay! It was such a fun word I had to say something.
Engraging: Everything HAS to be a particular way, or the Wedding Police will come and arrest you. A gorgeous dress with a V-neck is "so revealing, that's just not appropriate for a family event." (It really wasn't revealing. You could see a little cleavage, but the bride in question was large-busted, so cleavage was going to happen unless she wore a turtleneck.) A cute short dress gets "Why would you wear a prom dress to your wedding? No one will know you're a bride." (Of course they will; you'll be the one GETTING MARRIED, which should be a tip-off.) A beautiful lab-created peach diamond ring gets "Doesn't he love you enough to buy a REAL diamond?" Not serving liquor is cheap and being a bad host; serving liquor means you think you can't have fun without getting smashed. And so on.
Everyone needs to just LET GO of their judgmental reactions. Hey, I have some too. And I need to practice letting go of them.
And then maybe engagement won't mean engragement.
This year, my cousin got married. It was a nice, somewhat $$$ wedding.
Finding out that my father made comments to her father to "stop being cheap" about the wedding is ENGRAGING, considering he's not contributing a cent to my wedding next year, even though we're totally broke.
ENGRAGED!!
In retrospect, I find this more amusing than engraging, but still...
When I told my mother I wasn't going to wear a veil, she first cried, then whined, then wouldn't speak to me for a few minutes, then said (and please picture a five year old stamping her foot while reading this) "But you've gotten everything else you've wanted for this wedding!"
Um... just to clarify... you mean my wedding? The one in which I am getting married? And the one I am paying for? Ok, just checking.
I was, however, engraged at DJ prices for my area of the country- when I figured out that the $1800 per wedding they were charging would guarantee them an $93K salary for working ONE night a week? No thank you.
Engraging: when people ask me about my "wedding diet" and how much wieght I am going to lose "for the wedding" in spite of the fact that I am already relatively slender. My answer (a truthful one) is, "well, if I lost ten pounds I'd be very near the weight I was when I was anorexic, and, you know, I think that would just freak my mother out."
Also engraging: when my mother and father appeal to the way something was at _their_ wedding as evidence for the argument that it should be that way at _my_ wedding, forcing me to scream internally, "but don't you guys GET it the whole POINT is that this MARRIAGE (not to mention the wedding) is going to be TOTALLY UNLIKE YOURS.
Thanks for neologizing, Meg! I think this one has legs.
When my mother--who has fabulous taste but won't be attending my morally depraved wedding--tells me I shouldn't wear my thrift store dress/serve Costco pizza at the rehearsal dinner/use vintage glass and candles instead of floral centerpieces, I become engraged.
But nothing a cupcake and a cocktail with my fiance can't fix.
I think these are the best comments ever! I can just feel the passion behind these answers!
It all takes me back to my wedding in 1995. We were paying for it ourselves and could ONLY afford a destination wedding with no guests.
Yet my father was miffed that we were "cutting him out" even though he didn't contribute a cent in spite of having plenty of money! His yearly vacations cost as much as a decent wedding.
Oh, and I should add, at that particular time in 1995, we had several family members on both sides that couldn't afford to travel, yet each sides lived 5 states apart.
There was no way we could pay for a wedding in the first place, let alone travel expenses for all these people.
I thought I was engraged when my priest announced he had been reassigned to another parish... and then I realized I was just upset that he wouldn't be there for the all school masses. My wedding ACTUALLY became secondary when I realized what our parish was losing!
1. Hearing numerous people in my family express disappointment that they were going to have to travel to another part of the state (much more beautiful part of the state, I might add)to attend our wedding. After the 4th incident, my father was the unlucky victim of my engragement.
2. Last weekend, hearing that my fiance was about to spend a couple thousand on a new "toy" when we're supposed to be saving for our wedding...engraged.
3. After telling my sister (aka my bridesmaid), my ideas for our wedding/invites/etc. and hearing her say, "oh, that's nice" with veiled distaste for my taste, well little itsy-bits of engragement well up in me. No full throttle like the above two.
Luckily the lack of enthusiasm on my family's part are by far outweighed by the participation of my fiance's family.
Moving on, right? I mean they just might not get it until the wedding day. I'll try not to be too hard on them.
Meg, I'm seriously digging this word. My usage:
"The woman printing our invitations just pushed back our delivery date for the 4th time -- her lame excuses and sob stories are so engraging!!"
Alternately,
"The woman at that bridal salon was pushing that bridesmaids' dress so hard that she told me my bridesmaid who doesn't want to wear strapless is being a 'picky drama queen.' I was so engraged I tore up her business card after I left!"
umm...So I'm late to the party, but: When I told a potential caterer that we were open to using disposable utensils so cut costs and he responded that "THERE WAS NO WAY I would want to use disposable utensils ON THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE" I was so engraged I cursed loudly in my cubicle.
It makes me engraged once I've put a deposit on something (non refundable) and then they keep adding on hidden costs. Ahhhhh
Upon becoming engaged, my fake sister-in-law (LONG story) showed up to our apartment with a slew of bridal magazines and proceeded to go through them and show me what dresses she was NOT wearing as my bridesmaid. Did I mention I'd never ASKED her to be a bridesmaid??
Engraged.
Some girlfriends of mine recently did a really sweet thing for me and organised a pre-bridal/birthday bash. I felt engraged when my sister, who lives in another state and would be unable to attend anyway, got pissed off at me about not inviting her to what was essentially my surprise party.
Also, we put a reply card in with our invitations. All one had to do was write their name on it, tick the boxes (or just one box, if not attending), and send it off before the RSVP date. One stamp, one trip to the post box, one and half months to do it in. Failing that, send us an email either with your reply, or an explanation of why you can't reply by the date(an email! Honestly, you could do that at work, and get paid for it!).
Thus, I do find it engraging that (one week before the wedding) there are still people who we have not heard from at all! Yes, it is a fairly casual wedding, yes, we are laid back people, but! In order to pull that off with 150 or so guests, we need to be organised, which means that we need final numbers. Please.
meg - thanks for the slice of reality. i realize how bitchy my post about my cousin's wedding probably sounded, and that isn't the real me (just the "inner b*z" escaping a little bit)...i think my post was more a vent than an actual thought but it was needed, nonetheless!
@Sarah
Honey. We all have our moments. This wedding sh*t is stressful. Can we talk about our friend who was in for the whole weekend and then told us causual like over a drink that she'd decided to go on vacation instead of come to the wedding? Yeah, I was a mother effing mess. So, we've ALLLLLL been there. Stupid weddings.
;)
I think enraging things should be a regular feature of all wedding blogs. Excellent word choice.
My engagement has also been totally enraging! The current enraging thing is that my future mother in law and fiance are insisting that we find a vacation house for "close friends and family" to stay them. However, their family is HUGE and "close friends and family" is literally all 125ish guests. No matter how many times I remind them that there IS NO HOUSE big enough to hold 125 people, they keep clinging to this idea. And will they help find some suitable alternative? NO. The bar set by previous family weddings - held at conference centers I can't afford and boarding schools I didn't go - to is unreasonably high. It makes me want to elope, and then, since my fiance doesn't want to elope, it makes me want to scream. I am SO enraged.
Anonymous, here's something I learned during my engagement: sometimes, you've just gotta pass the buck and say "sorry, that ain't my job." Tell your fiance that you understand why he and his mom want everyone to be able to stay together, but that trying to find a suitable place is causing you a lot of stress, and you honestly don't think it can be done. If he and/or his mom find a place where it can be done, they are welcome to make the arrangements, but you are not spending any more time on this particular issue, because there are literally five zillion other things to take care of.
I had to do this several times during the wedding planning, when assorted loved ones insisted that our wedding HAD to have X, Y, or Z. I learned to say "great idea, but I don't have time to execute it. Oh well," and to let my loved ones volunteer to take on X, Y, or Z themselves if they really cared. Sometimes they did, sometimes they didn't. But regardless it was a major sanity saver.
Engraging:
The photography hunt. Don't get me wrong, I love the pretty pictures and crave great, artistic photography, but you know how you aren't supposed to try on dresses you know you can't afford for fear that you'll fall in love, and ever after scorn the less amazing dresses actually available to you? I feel like the wedding photography world is designed to make that happen to you -- and to seriously drain your time.
What's my beef? Not the rates folks charge -- I understand capitalism. No, it's the vast numbers of photographers who don't post ANY pricing information on their websites or blogs (all I'm asking for is a range or starting point), but rather require you to fill out their contact forms for pricing, and then, rather than sending you pricing information (per request and as they state they'll do on their website), call and leave voicemails saying they'd love to "chat more about my plans."
DUDE!!! I just want to know if you're even near my humble $2k (incl travel) price range so I can figure out whether to seriously consider you, and if not, I don't want to spend time playing phone tag and telling you about my plans just to be told I can't afford you. I don't have time for that, and frankly, it makes me feel kinda cranky and jerked around.
Whew! end rant/ thanks for the forum to get it out, meg!
Engraging to me was:
Perky sales girl asks,"When's the wedding?"
I answer,"August..." (This was in May.)
Girl responds, most sincerely,"Oh that'll give you plenty of time to lose the extra weight. This dress will look perfect then."
I smiled politely.
I ended up buying a dress elsewhere.
To quote Carrie - ' "... No one will know you're a bride." (Of course they will; you'll be the one GETTING MARRIED, which should be a tip-off.) '
I had a girlfriend who is planning a white wedding- shades of white, off white, cream, etc- for her summer beach wedding. Can you guess the number of times she's heard, "Your wedding party can't wear white, only the bride is supposed to wear white... No one will know you're a bride."
Call me crazy but I think folks will know who the bride is.
The other engraging funny was when an Aunt asked if she was choosing an ivory gown instead of a white gown because she wasn't a virgin.
Belated addition: " Remember the dress is probably the most important piece of clothing you will ever own, and may even be the only thing that you have made especially for you." from the normally sane Eco-Chic Weddings. Saw it and thought of this post - need I say more?
What made me engraged? Finding out that my fiance's parents have not talked to him once about our wedding since we got engaged. Seven months ago.
I know they don't like me, but you think they would be able to make themselves be nice for his sake.
I'm late to this party but I love it & feel compelled to add-
I feel engraged when the event planner at our venue agrees to but insults every idea I have. (Of course we can order long tables, but it might look like a cafeteria. Would you like me to go ahead and order those?).
But this is nothing compared to the engragement that I felt when I arrived to our family holiday celebration with my fiance, excited to see my sisters and cousins for the first time in months and talk to them about wedding plans. Instead I walked into the announcement that my sister had brought her FIANCE for us all to MEET - she met him 6 weeks before and they've decided they need to be married. What was the rush? She, "thought it'd be fun if we could share being a bride."
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