Peonies and Polaroids: The Shopity-Shop-Shop Edition

My dear friend Peonie of Peonies and Polaroids, the most stylish Scottish lady blogger, has just launched her very own Etsy shop selling her beyond lovely photographs. I'm excited about this for many reasons:
1. I can now hang her dreamy and evocative work in our house (I'm pondering which one should go in the bedroom as we speak).2.You can now hang her work in your house or give it as affordable gifts.3. I'm always deeply inspired to see creative projects come out of the hands of newly married friends. We seem to have this idea that once you get married you settle down and become a boring person, when clearly marriage should give you the strength and the sure foundation to launch into brave and scary new creative forays. And that is exactly what has happened for Miss. Peonie. So what are you waiting for? Go shop! And for extra fun, she's giving away a print today, so go leave a comment.

And to Peonie - the happiest of blogging birthdays to you. Many happy returns.

The Wedding Graduates Return

I have good news today! Remember the Wedding Graduates? Those sassy, savvy, smart lady bloggers who shared what they learned getting married? As far as I'm concerned they are one of the coolest things that has ever happened to this blog. Well, it's been a few months, and we have a whole new crop of Graduates. As of next week they start popping by and sharing their wisest words of wisdom. What they learned. What they think we should know.

The goal is not to all become just like each other, so when you read the graduates post, don't think "Why is my budget bigger/smaller than hers?" or "Oh no, she decided not to hire a florist, so maybe I shouldn't hire a florist!" Instead revel in our shared stories and our differences.

And if you haven't read the last crop of Wedding Graduates, get reading. Start with the very first one, East Side Bride, and then keep on going. As always, I owe a debt of gratitude to these ladies. They make me smarter and kinder, and a much better bride.

Wedding Party Alternatives: The Non-Bridesmaid

Have I mentioned lately that you guys have the best ideas? Seriously. You have the *best* ideas. For those of you who don't obsessively stalk my comment box, I had to share Lauren's fabulous wedding party plan:

I'm not having bridesmaids, so I sent an Evite (I love Evites) to 10 of my friends asking them to be non-bridesmaids, with the following job description. It was really fun to read what everyone wrote back (and they all loved the idea!)

A non-bridesmaid:

• Listens to me complain about how expensive weddings are.
• Comes wedding dress shopping IF she wants .
• Helps my mom throw a shower.
• Domes to the bachelorette party if she can.
• Helps out doing whatever she likes to do or is good at (i.e. baking snickerdoodles, making invitations, making funny videos of the other guests, drinking mimosas, etc).
• Helps me get ready day-of (hint: this may involve drinking mimosas).
• Tells me when I'm being bride-zilla-ish.
  

A non-bridesmaid does NOT:

• Wear the same dress as all the other non-bridesmaids. She wears her own dress (or skirt, or lovely pantsuit) instead.
• Get her hair or makeup done for my wedding (you all are very familiar with making yourself look beautiful every day), Caveat: if you WANT to get your hair or makeup done because you love any excuse to be pampered, then I am all for that! Pamper yourself!
• Carry flowers. Caveat: if you really want some flowers, I will get you some, just for being such a fabulous friend.
• Stands in the front of all the other guests. But you can sit in the front row if you arm wrestle my brother for his spot!
  

I hope you get the idea. If I were going to have a giant wedding party, you would absolutely all be up there with me, but I'm not, and I still wanted you to know how much you mean to me and how much I appreciate your friendship. Plus, with an Evite, you can all read each other's clever comments!

Awwwwww.... I'm pretty much sure that I want to get asked to be an non-bridesmaid. Hopefully tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow will be my lucky day.

PS - How is it that after we finally settle on a wedding party alternative, suddenly there are a million and one amazing ideas flying around?

Rebecca And Thom's Fall New England Wedding

I'm really thrilled to give you the story of Rebecca and Thom's wedding. Rebecca was one of my very first readers almost a year ago, and having kept track of her story for all these months, it's so personally heartening to me to get to share her wedding day - complete with a shared family dress. So without further ado, Rebecca, Thom, and the matching...
Thom and Rebecca Bedford, Massachusetts -- October 2008

Thom and I married on a crisp fall day in the Boston suburbs, at a 150-year-old classic New England church. It was the wedding I'd dreamed about since I was a little girl -- with the family and friends who have loved and supported me throughout my life and in the church that did the same. Our reception was held across the street, in the ballroom of the Old Town Hall, a similarly historic and charming building.

Creative
Our ceremony.
There are few occasions where our loved ones gather en masse to mark the time in our life. As one of my college professors said, it is usually when people "hatch, match, and dispatch." Matching is the only time that we're cognizant of the celebration in our honor, so Thom and I decided to have an "open mic" ceremony, and asked those gathered to sanctify the ceremony with their thoughts and insight into love, marriage, and families. Although it was a little stressful because we did not know if anyone would feel comfortable enough speak, many did and it created a uniquely joyful experience!

Our centerpieces.
Through some unexpected circumstances, I also DIY-ed our "Harvest Bowl" centerpieces. I was determined to cut down on waste and got it in my head that cut flowers were too wasteful for our shindig, so I eventually decided that a fall-themed fruit and vegetable bowl was the only centerpiece that would make me happy. We used cranberries as a base and added clementines, yellow and orange jalepenos, gourds and mini pumpkins. They were spectacularly easy, inexpensive, beautiful, and vibrant. Guests took each one home and enjoyed them for weeks, if not months, later!

Thrifty
Our elves.

Although we were conflicted about asking friends to do something during the wedding because it might take away from their enjoyment of the day, Thom and I couldn't resist harnessing our friends' talents when it became clear that they were happy to help and would make a priceless contribution. In each situation, they gave us something that money literally could not buy and the sentiment that -- like our individual personalities -- our marriage would not be what it is without the love and support of our friends and family.
A baker friend of ours, who is constantly ready for a new challenge, baked and decorated a small, two-tiered, heart-shaped spicy chocolate cake on top of a tower of cupcakes in three different flavors. One of the bridesmaids tracked down a version of Rihanna's "Umbrella" for the piano, which she sang beautifully at the ceremony, accompanied by another bridesmaid on the piano.

Our Dress.
I wore my sister's dress, although when I called it "her" dress, my sister corrected me -- "you mean our dress." It did not fit my body shape in the way I wanted, so a seamstress and I devised a close-fitting jacket and it had a great effect on changing the waistline, or at least deflecting attention off of my hips! The dress truly reflected my personal values. It symbolizes my friends and family supporting the next chapter of my life, where I will perpetuate and create my own family's traditions -- beginning with the heirloom my sister and I created.

Sane
Initiating Conversations.

The first thing that kept me sane is that I had those important conversations with people I love. Everyone has their own perceptions about who you should marry, how you should marry, and when you should marry. Those emotions are theirs alone -- they have nothing to do with the bride herself -- and yet they can make a bride miserable. Have those conversations! They may be difficult, but they are necessary -- if not, you may be repeating the same dysfunctional pattern long after the wedding is over!

Oh yes, and I learned how to let go. When the florist didn't understand my floral vision a week before the wedding, I settled my expectations low so I would not be disappointed on the day of the wedding. When I discovered -- at the rehearsal -- that the organist a family member insisted on hiring is less familiar with the organ than anyone thought, I chuckled; it was sort of endearing. I knew, too, that I am the only person who can ruin my wedding -- by letting the small stuff get to me -- and as long as Thom and I were married at the end of the day, it was going to be the best day of my life (so far!). I am happy to report that it was!

Wedding Party Alternatives: The Color Team

I got an email from reader Jennie sharing her unique take on a bridal party. Since I'm always looking for non-traditional bridal party party ideas, I thought I would share it with you, along with pictures of the beautiful letters she sent to her ladies (go, go, graphic designer brides).
From Jennie:

I am a graphic designer getting married in July. We are working with a small budget, so it is going to be a relatively intimate DIY wedding with about 70 people. We are going to have a late evening ceremony at old mansion near our Milwaukee Lakefront followed by a fun cocktail party reception afterwards. I have so many great girlfriends - old friends, new friends - all of whom mean a great deal to me. However, I was not particularly interested in having bridesmaids as it is a small, non-traditional wedding. (Also, I would of had to have about 15!) I still wanted to include all these girls somehow, but without the normal bridesmaids duties. So I came up with a color palette and sent out a mailing with paint swatches asking each girl to choose her outfit for the wedding from the color palette included. My hope is that in pictures and at the wedding, this magnificent group of women are recognized as special people in my life, but without the traditional title of "bridesmaid".

Thank you for sharing your process Jennie, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who can't wait to see the pictures!

A Wedding Dress and Wedding Pants

Ok, I'm pretty sure that one of you is super excited about this wedding dress for $330! Ok, Ok, it's not a "wedding dress," which is why it's more affordable, but it would clearly be brilliant at a courthouse wedding or even a simple but formal evening dinner wedding.
But this, ladies. This. Is. Magic. We almost never talk about brides wearing pants (and I don't know why) but clearly we need to start. So, someone please, please, please wear this 1930's style pants suit, and send me pictures. I'm begging you. And yes, it's about $700*, but the jacket is silk! The pants are wool! They are separates! You can wear them again. And your wedding outfit will become legendary among your grandchildren, who will talk about their chic, liberated, ahead-of-her-time grandmother who wore PANTS to her wedding.

*Or use this as your inspiration, and make your own.

Faith & Mike's Food And Community Wedding

I'm not quite sure I have words to express how I feel about today's wedding, which turns out to be ok, because Faith (an editor at Apartment Therapy's The Kitchn) has all the words for me. What I will say is this: Faith has, in one page, summed up David's and my philosophy around our own wedding better than I have ever been able to put into words. By the time I finished reading Faith's post, I was a weepy mess from the enormity of love, beauty, and thoughtfulness poured into this wedding. I hope you like it a quarter as much as I do, because that would be very much indeed.
Mike and I were married last September in Columbus, Ohio. We really value our community of friends and family, and we wanted a celebration that would thank them for all their support in our journey, and acknowledge that marriage isn't just a joining of two people: it's more far-reaching than that.

I'm a food writer, so food and drink are crazy important to both of us. We lucked out big time with our caterer, Creative Cuisine. John, our contact there, is on the board of the Ohio organic and ecological farming association, and he was able to bring in some local ingredients. He was great to work with: I gave him my dream menu and he not only pulled it off but at a great price too.
Important words: We pulled out a few words to keep us anchored and centered during the process. Hospitality was one. I read once that a wedding reception is a bride and bridegroom's first act of hospitality as a married couple. This drove a lot of the decisions we made: is this idea hospitable? Also, community. We have deep friendships with people all over the country, and we wanted to bring them together in a one-day reunion!
Being practical: A Practical Wedding was a big inspiration. I like the thought that being practical means doing what's right for YOU - not just what the wedding industry or indie crowd thinks is ideal. This post also made me crow! So true.

We paid a little more for our wedding than we planned, but it was a deliberate decision. We wanted to serve everyone an excellent meal with great wine, and this is where the majority of our money went. It was 110% worth it. We were very frugal in other areas, but we also tried to be sensible in balancing creativity and time vs. the convenience (and sanity) of paying others to do things. We had a short engagement of about 4 months, so this was important.

Also on practicality and frugality: we had the wedding on a Sunday afternoon, which saved us quite a bit on venue. We also decided to keep our wedding party intimate: just our siblings and one good friend as the flower girl. I felt strongly about paying for my bridal party's dresses - one thing that has always annoyed me about American weddings is the expectation for people to drop a ton of money on a dress they will of course, "wear again." Keeping the parties intimate kept costs down, but the real reason was just that we wanted to stick with people that we know will be in our lives forever.

Being creative: It was so fun to think through ways to save money, be creative, and be hospitable to our guests.
- We created our invites ourselves. I commissioned a papercut from Cindy Fergusonwebsite, and I even used a bit of the sage leaves as a design on custom-printed linen for my dress. Also, I love letterpress, but we decided not to splurge on it. Instead we ordered a custom embosser (about $60) with this image and stamped it on our envelopes, menus, and other print materials. It gave that lovely raised feel without the expense. Type geeks will appreciate: We bought one classic font and used it across all our print materials.
- A talented friend made my dress. (I catered her wedding dessert reception the year before.) It was a combo of linen custom-printed by Anna of Food Flowers Style and really inexpensive silk I bought at a remnants shop. We kept it very simple: an empire shift, basically. I wanted something natural and easy to move around in. It wasn't a princess dress, and even though this gave me a tiny pang, occasionally, it was so lovely and such a right choice for who I am.

- We used old glass jars bought on Craigslist for the flower arrangements. I had about 20 girlfriends over the day before the wedding for brunch, and we did the flowers together. It was a blast, and I was able to have the more offbeat flowers and greens that I love. I cleaned the jars out and now they hold grains in my pantry.

- We wanted a mix of urban, pastoral, and vintage in our wedding. We love the city, and our venue was an old former factory downtown. You can see the city and the highways all around, but there is a central grassy area where we held the ceremony.
- Vintage things were so fun; I used old library drawers to hold the escort cards, and vintage flashcards for table numbers. We wrote notes to each of our guests on the escort cards. Bringing our family history in was important. We displayed old photos on the guest welcome table, and we created mini family histories through wedding photos on the website.
- We did a photobooth, too, but we just used my own camera on a tripod and a remote. Friends brought props, and I printed up the photos after the wedding and included them in people's thank you notes.
The menu: It was a September wedding, and I wanted to have a menu that reflected the seasons. Before the ceremony we had house-made sweet potato chips with rosemary, and a fizzy apple cider drink. After the ceremony, during the photos, there was a cocktail hour with white wine, deviled eggs with capers, and crostini with apple slices, brie, and honey. (Honey was a theme: I used beeswax candles on all the tables in little glass tumblers that are now at home and well-used in our kitchen!) Supper was beet coleslaw, focaccia bread, pasta with butternut squash and sage, roasted fall vegetables, and an herb-crusted pork loin. We set up long tables so everyone felt like they were at one big dinner table, and we passed the food family style.

- We bought the wine ourselves -- two inexpensive but really great favorites. The leftovers all came home with us!

- I made two kinds of cake, as well as lemon ice cream. This was hectic, but totally worth it! (You can see more about the cake on The Kitchn.)

- I wanted my mom's family to participate somehow, so I asked my aunts and grandma to bring sweets for another dessert table. This was a huge hit. (Also more about the family sweets table here.)

- We aren't into dancing, much (hello! we're rather geeky. No one wants to watch us dance...) but we love music, so we asked friends and family to play at a sort of open mic instead. A couple friends sang some of our favorite songs. Another friend played a hilarious Elvis medley, and Mike and his mom and brother played an old Italian folk tune. Then his mom played a surprise encore of "That's Amore!" on her accordion, to great hilarity and group singing. There were a lot of kids there and they were all up and dancing during the music!
- We cut and served our own cake. This was by far the most meaningful part of the meal. We wanted to feed everyone from the time they got there to the time they left, and to serve our sweet cake together to all our friends and family was a good way to do a "receiving" line too.

Last words: No wedding is perfect. It's just the kickoff to a marriage that also won't be perfect, but hopefully both will reflect your spirits and your values. I know that not everyone has a religion or a faith connected to their wedding, but if you do, this is the time to put it front and center. We did a lot of things very differently, and dispensed with lots of purported wedding tradition (no unity candle!), but we did stick with short, simple, and old-fashioned words in our ceremony. We wanted to be connected to the longstanding supports of tradition, community, and strength we have available in our personal faiths. (No pun intended. Har.)
Also, we feel that our love of hospitality comes from God's own hospitality towards us, and while we understand that not everyone has the same beliefs and traditions we do, for us it was such a deep pleasure to look down the rows of tables and see all our dearest friends and family enjoying one another with good food in community. For us, that's one of the deepest expressions of what our faith means. After all the fun and creativity of a wedding is over, we are stuck with one another, and I believe we all need something -- whether that is faith, friends, a common purpose -- to help us remember our vows and love each other over the long haul. It's what a wedding is all about, right? The more you can emphasize that unifying factor during that one shining day, the more memorable it will be. Our friends and that loaded table of food symbolize a lot of this for us, and those are the memories of our wedding that will last.

Photos: Bryan and Joleen Fenstermacher, photographers extraordinaire. Also, Sara Kate Gillingham-Ryan (food pics) and our friend Bom Yi Kim.

For Better Or For Worse

Laura left this comment on today's post, and I thought it needed to be shared right here, front and center:

I was married in 1979. Our area of the country was hard hit in an economic downturn. My husband and I were at times both without real jobs. We did yardwork for hire, we painted buildings, we grew our own food, etc. It was difficult but it was also a time I would NEVER wish had been different. When you are with someone you love, hardships are lessened and joys are amplified.

Oh, right! Right! This is the whole point!

(And a special note to all the parents reading this blog: I'm so glad you are here. Feel free to share your wise words of wisdom in the comments, no matter how young and tech savvy that seems. They are so good for all of us to hear.)

Thoughts On The Economy And Weddings

I know that many of you are struggling these days with planning a wedding in the most painful and uncertain economy in a generation. If you are like me, you're feeling mild envy at last summer's crop of brides, and wondering why us? Why now? Some of you have just been laid off, some of you are afraid that you might be laid off soon, some of you are just sad about the myriad of ways the terrible economy is going to impact your celebration. So for all of us today, I have two kindnesses:

1) I read this week that one of the many beautiful pieces of symbolism attached to the breaking of the glass at the end of the Jewish wedding is an old saying from Moroccan Jewish villages that "A difficult beginning is a good sign." You can't say it more beautifully than that.

2) I was worrying out loud recently about all the people who might not be able to afford to travel to the wedding. A much older friend pointed out that because of the economy our guests would be thinking through why they wanted to come. Did they feel they should go out of obligation, or did they have an emotional need to come celebrate with us? And that in the end, with times being as tough as they are, the less people would make the trip out of obligation, leaving us with guests who had a strong emotional tie to us. And I realized I'd been thinking about it the wrong way, that in some small ways having our wedding this year was a blessing.

Marriage isn't easy or perfect. Our weddings are not the day of our dreams. They are a real personal emotional moment when we make one of life's most serious commitments, followed by one heck of a good party. And if that day is infused with reality, this is a good thing.

So chins up! My grandmother says, when she looks back at the 80 years of her life, she sees that all of the hardest things ended up allowing something surprising and good to come into her life. Maybe getting married in 2009 is a bit like that.

A difficult beginning is a good sign.

Wedding Hair, Or What Weddings Do To Your Brain

It's Oscar Weekend, All! As past theatre people and natives of Southern California, David and I are serious about the Oscars. We try very hard to watch all of the movies, and then engage in complex and carefully thought through betting on the outcomes. Then to top it off, we read The Fug Girls live blogging of the red carpet fashion, while we work to craft the most witty and cutting snark to yell at the TV. Because of that, we decided to watch them alone this year, with a (few) trusty bottle of champagne, because San Francisco does not seem to watch them with the same focus/insanity that we do.

Anyway, none of this is the point! The point is that I've noticed that wedding planning seems to slowly liquefy your brain. I'm sitting there, watching my beloved awards shows, and I keep thinking, "Oh, huh, look at her hair! That would be nice for wedding hair! Or what about her hair? It's ok too." And then whenever Kate Winslet walks by the camera, I chuck all my other hair ideas, because *clearly* I want to do my hair just like Kate no matter what it looks like. I mean, obviously.
So enjoy. And if you find yourself noting the hairstyles, or the jewelry, or the make-up for possible wedding inspiration, and then wondering if you've suddenly become a dull person, fear not. Next year, by this time, with some luck, you'll be married and will be better able to focus on your high stakes Oscar gambling pool. And really, that's what married life is all about. Right??

Pictures: Michelle Williams rocking some awesome pretty wedding hair, Kate being my perpetual sassy favorite via NYmag

Looking Like Yourself (not just like everyone else)

I am staggered and confused. You saw this amazing dress on Offbeat Bride, right? And you thought to yourself, "That dress is unbelievable! I've never seen anything quite like it. I inexplicably want to touch it. It looks so right on her. It's amazing." Right? Or something like that? Because girlfriend is even selling me on a train, and I'm very mmmmeeeeeehhhh about the train as a concept.
Which brings me to why I'm confused. The bride said that she got all these comments from people* who said things like, "Well, your dress is sure.... different....."

WHAT?

Were they searching for the word gorgeous, and had a complete meltdown? Have we really gotten to the point where weddings are so homogeneous that if we see a bride who's not wearing the standard issue strapless poof that she got at engagement academy, that we have a nervous breakdown? That if someone gets married in a color that's not white, we think they are "trying to make a statement?" That if a bride rocks a dress this awesome, all people cant think to say is "it's different?" Because it doesn't have to be this way. It didn't used to be this way, even an generation or two ago.** This is it, kids. I'm fed up.
I just have one thing to say: Paula, you sassy sassy self assured bride, with feathers in your hair and teensy black buttons going down your back - you inspire me. You are clearly a woman with taste and poise and a strong sense of self. You're dress, may I say, is excellent beyond words.

*Clarification, not from her friends, from people who didn't know her well. But effing still.
**More on that thought later.

Pictures from Flicker, via Offbeat Bride, of course

Negotating With Wedding Vendors (achem, Elves)

I've been asked several times if I could write a post about negotiating with your wedding vendors, and I haven't, because in the end it was something I didn't feel qualified to write. I don't provide wedding services as part of my livelihood, so I didn't want to recommend ways to negotiate the cost of that service. But, into that void has stepped Jocelyn Mathewes at Studio Mathewes Photography. She's written two very informative articles, one about what to do if you can't hire a professional wedding photographer, and one, excerpted here, about negotiating with wedding vendors.

I have a few words of advice to add. David and I have done some negotiating and bartering with some of our wedding elves, and there are a few things that I think are important:

• Listen to what your vendors need, and respect that. Maybe there is a price they can't go below. Maybe there is something they are not willing to add to a package in trade. That's fine. Remember that they, like you, have to pay their bills this month, and this is how they do it. But at the same time, communicate with them clearly. Maybe it's not that you want a much better deal, but you want access to all of your jpg files after the wedding (we did). If you tell people clearly what you need, they often will work to accommodate you.
  
• Just like you should NEVER hire a vendor who you feel is ripping you off, you should never offer something in trade where you feel like you are ripping off your vendor, or getting a deal that is 'too good to be true.' Likewise, if someone is totally out of your price range (a photographer who's packages start at $10K, and you want to pay $2K), skip it. Remember, if you are doing this right, you've got collaborative wedding elves, not icky WIC vendors, and you should never, ever, mistreat an elf. (Right? We all know how well that turns out.)
• Try to stay emotionally uninvolved with the negotiating process. This bit can be hard for me, but, remember, this is a business transaction. If they can't afford to give you the price you can afford to take, it's not that they don't like you, it's that they have bills to pay and a business to run.

And with that, I offer up a portion of Jocelyn Mathewes' article on negotiating with wedding photographers:

Lately, everyone's been tightening their belts, even when it comes to once-in-a-lifetime events, like a wedding. In the past month or so a number of hopeful couples have contacted me, only to discover that I am outside their budget. When we discover this, two things can happen: negotiation, or we part ways.

It's painful for me when we're forced to part ways. One of the most charming things about each couple who contacts me is that they all have a wonderful story, and they all absolutely deserve to have their event photographed beautifully. I'm frustrated when economic realities prevent this from happening, since I absolutely love what I do.

If negotiation opens up, fun, fruitful, frustrating, and futile things can result. Both sides suggest possible solutions, with varying success. Admittedly, I have spent very little time on the couples' end of the negotiating table. When I first realized this I paused to think: was there something that I knew, something about the way I worked, that might help couples find good compromises with the photographer they want to hire?

So here I am, offering what little nuggets of advice I have. Please keep in mind that I speak as a professional photographer, from my own experience and perspective; my opinion is decidedly shaped by being on "the other side of the table." Also, I am only one photographer; most likely my opinion and approach differ from that of others.

Things To Try: Cutting Back & Bartering

This is tricky, even if you put it nicely. I personally love the idea of negotiation, but some photographers see it as a threat to their professionalism. Even with photographers who are open to a little negotiation, it's important to communicate to them that you think their services are worth what they're asking. I love to be told that I'm valuable; don't you?

Offering to cut back or barter right off the bat, or simply saying "I don't want to pay the full amount," can sound an awful lot like "I don't think your work is worthwhile." In which case, I start to wonder if you enjoyed my work in the first place and why you would want to hire me; perhaps I'm not for you!

A good way to start is by saying, "You do wonderful work, and I'd love to be able to hire you, but I can't afford $____. Is there any way you would consider ____?" As with all communication, the how you ask is as important as what you're asking.

1. Cutting Back: Ask to reduce package options, or go a la carte

If the photographer you're looking at has packages with lots of extra do-dads that you could personally do without, it can't hurt to ask politely if they'd be willing to scale down a package for you.

Be aware that some photographers won't budge on this, as they consider the packages they offer as an integral part of their client experience. Even though it may seem superfluous to you, those packages are carefully thought out, and are a part of the attractive image they work hard to maintain.

But some photographers will be willing to trim things a bit for you, and that's great! And while I offer several scaled-down options there are still a few things I provide that I just won't cut back on, because to me it feels like I wouldn't really be doing justice to my clients.

2. Bartering: Trade your skills or trade your stuff

If I need brake work, a new couch, or someone to design a website for me, I will (and have) bartered photography for those necessary things! The art of bartering is a lost one, and I'd love to see this come back into play. It can't hut to ask politely and generally about bartering as an option for payment, and find out if it's even a possibility.

You can read the rest of the article at Studio Mathewes Photography. Maryland couples, keep Studio Mathewes in mind!

Your tips on negotiating with Vendors (or being negotiated with, if you are a Vendor/Elf) are welcomed in the comments. And keep in mind, as my friend East Side Bride told me, "Sometimes it is easier to just pay full price," which is 100% true.

Sponsor Introduction: Brenda Paro Photography

**Update: Calling the rest of the Midwest. Brenda is available to travel. Affordability. No Joke.**
I'm very excited to introduce APW's newest sponsor, Brenda Paro Photography. Brenda is located in Omaha, Nebraska, and is our very first Midwest photographer (Midwest couples, I'm trying to get you more resources, stat!) More than that, Brenda has a fantastic story. She's a writer and a photographer, and has been behind the camera for years. She has a portfolio of fine art photography that is so good, it will take your breath away. BUT! She is just starting to build her portfolio as a wedding photographer after years as working of a second shooter on weddings. Because of this, she is offering affordable wedding photography with flexable rates. And her work is flat out stunning. Imagine getting the chance to have a fine art photographer to shoot your wedding at a rate you can afford? Yeah, I know. Amazing.

Brenda was sweet enough to share photos from Abby and Erik's practical wedding which took place at a historic Glensheen Mansion on the shores of Lake Superior in Duluth Minnesota. The bride's dress is from J. Crew (where she works) and she added a Vera Wang sash to give it some extra sparkle. Without further ado.... the magical pictures themselves.





Midwest couples you must go look at Brenda's work right away, because seriously, when do you get a chance like this?

Addressing Wedding Invitations (and staying a feminist)

Every so often I take reader questions, if I think they are questions everyone has, and someone needs to address. Usually Ariel has already addressed them in a slightly more offbeat way, and I'm taking them on in a 'reclaiming tradition' way. So, as always, take your pick. The internet is great for giving us fantastic options. Here goes:

I love your blog - it's a little haven in the sea of gender stereotype bullsh*t surrounding everything wedding.

I have a question about addressing wedding invitations. "Mr. and Mrs. Joe Blow" makes me sort of nauseous but my parents kind of want things a little more formal than "Joe and Jane Blow." What do you think about "Mr. and Mrs. Joe and Jane Blow" or "Mr. Joe Blow and Mrs. Jane Blow" or should it be "Mr. Joe and Mrs. Jane Blow" ... that kind of sounds weird, right? Any thoughts?

Also, while gathering addresses a few of my cousins' noted that their names are "Jane Smith Blow" (Smith being their maiden names). Any ideas about how to address those invites? "Joe Blow and Jane Smith Blow", "Jane Smith and Joe Blow", "Joe and Jane Smith Blow" and then if we use titles would it be "Mr. and Mrs. Joe and Jane Smith Blow" or "Mr. Joe Blow and Mrs. Jane Smith Blow" or should I use Ms.? Sadly the internet has plenty of advice on how to just leave off the lady's name on a formal invitation or how to include it if she so daringly kept her given name upon marriage, but I can't find anything about formal invitations including both names. Please help!!

Your fellow practical bride (and groom),
Cara (and Jeff - he's a fan, too!!)

So, it's actually pretty simple. The rules are:

• Woman's name is always first, when listed separately.
• Same last name? Same line. Different last name? Different line. Nobody cares, or needs to know if the couple is married or just living together.
  
• Always name everyone who's invited on the envelope, to avoid confusion. You don't need to say "No Kids!" on your invite, if you don't invite them, and then kindly but firmly point this out when questioned. (Yes, yes, yes. The technical rules are that children are listed on the inner envelope. But do you have an inner envelope? That's what I thought.) Normally children are listed by age, but do what you will.
• And, this rule is half me and half proper, but very important: Always address people as they wish to be addressed. She goes by Dr.? She worked hard for that, please use it. She goes by Ms.? Done. She goes by Mr. Joe Blow in honor of her dead husband? I know you are a feminist, but it's not your place to judge.
• And one final technicality, which you can choose to use or ignore. If a woman did not take her partners name, she is not technically a Mrs., she is a Ms., thank-you-very-much.
  

So, long form, it goes like this:

Mr. and Mrs. Blow (for the love of all things holy, let's kill the Mrs. John Blow stuff, unless it's to honor your delightful aged grandmother. I'd punch through a wall if I got something addressed that way)

Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Blow

Ms. Jane Sassy-Blow
Mr. John Blow

Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Blow
and Mr. Gregory Blow, Miss. Emma Blow, Miss Tiny Baby Blow

Jane and John Blow (Note! This is not formal, so name order is reversed! It's old school maybe, but I'm on board with ladies first here. Men get to go first quite enough, thanks.)

Mr. and Dr. John and Jane Blow

And out of respect to your old fashioned widowed great aunt:

Mrs. John Blow

And the rules hold absolutely the same for LGBT couples:

Ms. and Ms. Jane and Joan Sassy-Blow

Ms. and Dr. Jane and Joan Sassy-Blow

Ms. Jane Sassy
Ms. Joan Blow

Etc.

Questions? I will hold to my dying day that etiquette is not about repression, it's about treating people with the respect they deserve, and it can (and should!) be absolutely egalitarian.

Flowers, Food, Community

So, as our wedding starts creeping closer, I've started collecting inspiration pictures (again) for what I want our tables to look like, and how I want us to do our flowers. The closer I get to this party, the more I realize that I want things simple, simple, simple. Once upon a time I thought that I would make table runners (ha!), and get together a flea market collection of vases (double ha!), and pick just the right linens (whatever that means). But the closer we get, and the more I hang out with you guys, the more I realize that what I really want is simple, joyful, and us. And that's ok. With that in mind, here are some of the pictures I've collected lately.
What kind of linens do we want? White. How do we want the napkins folded? Simply.* What kind of tables do we want? Long, so everyone can chat more easily.
And we already know we want mixed, bold in season flowers... not simple flowers, just because we're doing them ourselves. Nope: fun, mixed, wild, complicated flowers. Just like us.
But more then anything, I've realized that I care a whole lot less about the flowers, or the linens, or the table numbers, then I care about the food and the conversation, and the sense of joy and community around the table. We've spent most of our budget on simple organic locally grown food. It's more expensive, for sure, but we were lucky enough to have the option of choosing it, and we thought that carefully prepared, local food was a more solid reflection of our values then any other single thing we could spend on. Because to us food equals love, community, and shared joy, and that is a heck of a lot more important to me then some fancy table cloths.

But just the same, all these flowers are super pretty, right?

*I swear to god, there is actually a clause in our catering contract that says "Meg does not want ruched linens. Anywhere." (True. But hilarious that our caterer actually wrote it into the contract.)

Photos: First two photos by Kate Webber with flowers by Saipua, third photo by Jose Villa, fourth photo from the amazing eating design studio Taste Matters via {frolic!}

My Real Mother-In-Law Is Delightful

Did I ever tell you about the funniest wedding dream I had? I didn't? Good.

So "My Mother-In Law" (who was in no way David's actual mother, just some random dream character) kept introducing me to everyone as "David's first wife." And I kept saying, "Please don't call me his first wife. That's really insulting." And she would say, "but you are his first wife, dear, he hasn't had another."

Every time I tell David the story of this dream, he laughs so hard he tears up.

The End.

Sponsor Introduction: Julie Randall Photography

I'm happy to introduce the blog's newest sponsor, Julie Randall Photography. Julie was a practical bride this fall, and a reader of this blog (she's on Team Practical!) And she's re-establishing her photography business in Portland, Oregon. Her rates are fantastic, and she captures a mesmerizing range of emotion and personality in her work. So, go brides, go! Check out her portfolio. Having a affordable wedding photography, beautiful pictures, *and* a photographer that shares your down to earth wedding philosophy? That might be unbeatable.

A Practical Wedding: Things To Wear On Your Head When You Wed

I've been having a hard time figuring out what I want to wear on my head as a bride. I mean, really, it shocks me that it's such a complicated decision. For my post, I was going to give you a list of all the hot indie places to get cool stylish veil alternatives (I'm looking at you, Bando) but thankfully Peonie has done all that and more. Instead, I'm going to give you the story of my search so far.

I'm a bit of a indie bride, so naturally, I'm drawn to hip and funky hairpieces. Like Miss Ten Thousand Only, I'm in love with this magical bit of feathers and netting by Sara Gabriel:
For similar reasons, I also love Christine's, of Pretty.Pretty.Paper, rocking custom veil by Leah C. Give me some netting and some flowers and I'm a happy girl. (and how HOT is she in this picture?)
Remember Kara's amazing pouf that everyone loved? It signals Bridal! Veil! While also saying 'I'm stylish, I'm myself, I'm doing my own thing.' It's also by Sara Gabriel, who's clearly got it going on. I love all of these headpieces. So why is it not that simple? Well. The veil is actually a important concept in Jewish weddings. The old-school Jewish wedding had a veiling ceremony - the groom would veil the bride before the walk down the aisle, to make sure he knew who he was marrying. These days, in progressive/feminist Judaism, that bit of tradition has been scrapped, and then reinvented. These days, there is a new-school egalitarian ritual where the bride puts a kippah (yarmulke) on the grooms head, and the groom puts on the brides veil - in a private moment before walking down the aisle . The ceremony is a way to ground yourselves in each other, alone, before the you get to the bit with the crowd. It's a way to say privately before it all begins - I see you for who exactly who you are, without all the fancy trappings, and I choose you.

And that's not even the half of it. It turns out, the veil has mystical significance as well. There is an old Jewish mystical tradition that says when a bride wears a veil walking down the aisle, the veil connects her to the future, so that when she walks to the huppah, all her children and grandchildren to the end of time walk with her.

Tear.

Now, seriously, how am I going to pass that up?

So the search is on. I want to find a slightly more traditional veil, one that I can wear across my face, that still holds true to my indie, etsy, feather loving roots. And you know, since we're making the dress, we'll be making the veil. Thus far, I've found these small bits of inspiration:
This bride (from an old MSW) helped inspire me to go with a short handmade dress. I like her veil too. It's got a 1950's simplicity about it, which I dig, and would go with my dress. It was my very first plan for a veil. The only problem is, I think it's actually a little more traditional then I am.
This photo (via Oh So Beautiful Paper by Melissa Murphy) Makes me want to have piles of tulle blowing in the wind. My sister always says "Sadly, you can't wear a good veil anywhere these days, not even in mourning. So you might as well wear it to your own wedding." Good point, that. Makes you want to go with a full out veil like this, because to heck with it, it's your one chance. But when you get down to it, is it for me? I'm wearing a short dress because I don't want anything getting in my way, so I'd never pull this off.
Thus far, this is the closest I've come to finding a veil that is, yup, tulle, but still feels indie, personal, and like something I could make feel like me. This is from a beautiful Jewish wedding that was featured in MSW years ago, and has served an inspiration to us on many fronts. Above you see the bride is signing the Ketubah.
And here she is walking down the aisle. Her veil is short, it's sassy. It says "Bite me. I'm a feminist and I'm wearing a veil," which is more or less the look I'm going for. And it is eminently, eminently make-able.

Now, if I can just figure out a way to work in some feathers (and maybe some porcupine quills) we might be getting close.

(Tales from your veil or not to veil quandary's welcome in the comments. Because darn it, this must be a hard and loaded decision for someone other then me.)

Peonies and Polaroids: What To Wear on Your Head When You Wed

Next up, the divine Ms. Peonie, who's style I always describe as "I'm Scottish. if you cross me I will eat your head for breakfast," because it's pretty and lovely but it's also fierce. Which is just the right balance to strike as a bride, I think. P&P's post is the worlds most encyclopedic post on wedding head thingys. So, grab a cup of tea and settle in, becuase here, in one post is every single thing you need to know about your head when you wed (or close to it).

The desire to put something on your head when you wed strikes most brides. For most it is a veil; a long, white piece of tulle, wispy or poufy, over the face or behind the shoulders, undeniably bridal and for many women an integral and indispensable part of the whole Getting Wed thing. However there are some of us for whom the traditional veil, as lovely and romantic as it can be, just isn't right. Perhaps you feel like an idiot in one, perhaps your partner is utterly freaked out by them and mutters something about horror films and zombies then shudders dramatically, just to emphasise the point when you even mention veils or perhaps they just whiff ever so slightly of all that you hate about weddings. Either way, there are alternatives aplenty, although finding them may take a little digging.

As I see it the options fall into three categories

• Hats - for something utterly different.
• Fascinators (encompassing tulle and feather divisions) - for those who can't resist a little bridal froth.
  
• Flowers and head bands - for those who want something they could wear again after the wedding without inviting Miss Havisham comparisons.
  

I'm not going to lie to you, wearing a hat to your wedding takes guts. People will comment, they will stare at your head, you may frighten them just a little because even if your hat is really very understated for there is something about the hat that scares those too timid to wear one and you and your head wear will most certainly be remembered long after the event. However if that sounds like something you can be coping with then a hat might just be for you. Personally I think there is no more fabulous an option for a bridal outfit than a hat.

There are modern hats and there are vintage hats, there are delicate hats and there are show stopping hats, tiny hats and enormous hats and personally I think that all of the following are fabulous hats. Some would have you believe that you can only pull off a hat if you're six feet tall, terribly skinny and hip or British but that is rubbish, there is a hat for everyone. Let's start modern shall we? Then move onto something a little more classic. I see some of these hats working for a city wedding and some in the country. Some are summer hats and some distinctly wintry. Some would bring a modern look to life while some, despite being modern hats would suit a more vintage vibe.

1. Tri Crowned and Brimmed by Jane Taylor Millinery, 2. Pagoda Hat by Jane Taylor Millinery, 3 & 4 Summer hats by James Lock & Co. 5, Felt beret by James Lock & Co., 6. Bridal hat by Twigs and Honey, 7. Torque with Jet Star by Jane Taylor Millinery

1. French 75 by stylesmith, 2. Snowman by Stephen Jones, 3. Rosalind Russel by Boring Sydney, 4. Gold Leaf Beret by Jane Taylor Millinery, 5. Ivory Beehive Hat by Antique Dress, 6. Flapper Hat by eastangelharborhats

I'm not sure quite where the line between a hat and a fascinator lies. Or a veil and a fascinator for that matter. Some of these are definitely crossing over into birdcage veil territory but as long as it is more head decor than face covering, I've included it. Perhaps this category would be better named Feather and Tulle Confections, for the bride who still wants to look weddingy without looking too Traditional Bride...

1. Double Poppy headband with Veiling by Jennifer Behr, 2. lili veil by 5eizen, 3 & 4 Feather veil and tulle pouf by Satanica, 5. Tulle bow by FeathersandFrills, 6. tulle Pouf by Twigs and Honey, 7. Feathered wing by RockingRetro, 8. Delicate Feathers by FeathersandFrills, 9. Starburst Flapper pin by TopsyturvyDesign

And then there are headbands which can add a relaxed, bohemian look to your wedding outfit or equally can be utterly elegant and sophisticated in satin, silk and sparkle. Either way headbands are pretty, feminine and decidedly unexpected...

1. Satin Headband by Jennifer Behr, 2. Lace Headband by Garlands of Grace, 3. Floral beaded headband by Emmy, 4. Satin Headband by Jennifer Behr, 5. Image from Elegant Bride, 6. Satin headband by Jennifer Behr, 7. Feather Headband by Emmy, 8. Cotton yarn headband by Hannah Carrie 9. Floral Headband by Twigs and Honey.

And flowers. Some of us just can't resist wearing a flower in our hair. It's so romantic, so whimsical and a great way to add a little dash of colour to your ensemble should you decide to wear a white dress. Fresh flowers are undeniably the most romantic of all, however they are also heavy, prone to wilting and really difficult to encourage to sit right in your do. There are some fabric flowers that are almost impossible to tell apart from the real thing (from a reasonable distance), there are fabric flowers in the softest colours and materials that mimic the prettiness of the weddings favourites of garden roses and peonies and then there are flowers that are utterly out there, the plastic, the leather, the latex and the stripy flowers that make a girl who went for something very simple feel more than a little unimaginative....

1. Pink Flower by Twigs and Honey, 2. Pink Flower by Gabby Mac, photographed by Lillian and Leonard, 3. Red and Orange flower by Twigs and Honey, 4. Hydrangea Flower Headband by Bungalow, 5. Pink Latex Flower Garland by William Chambers, 6. Pink Gloss Plastic Rose by William Chambers, 7. Striped Silk Rose by Accessorize, 8. Pink Rose by Veiled Beauty, 9. Lace and Tulle Rose by Miss Selfridge.

Thank you Peonie, and squeek! I have so so much thinking to do. First thing to think about: Should I pick one of these amazing creations? Second thing to think about: How can I change my life to allow for more wearing of amazing headwear?