Sponsor Introduction: Give Artfully

I'm thrilled (thrilled!) to announce APW's newest sponsor - Give Artfully, a registry made up entirely of fine art. Having grown up in a community of artisans, the idea of giving handcrafted work for momentous occasions is something that is very near and dear to my heart. My parents have a few hand thrown bowls that they received for their wedding that we've used as serving dishes my whole life. Now, this idea is being brought to the internet age. With Give Artfully you can register for pottery, for photography, for hand bound books, and more. Rachel, the founder says, "these artworks are designed as modern heirlooms, mean to last through your lifetime and be passed down through generations." Yesss.

(Oh yes, and she's always looking for experienced artists to add to the collection, so talented ladies, get cracking.)

What are you waiting for? Go look! Go look!

Addressing Wedding Invitations, Part II

In case you were on the fence about how to address your wedding invitations, and wondering if it would be more tasteful to address them all as Mr. and Mrs. Joe Blow, because it's faaaannnncccccyyyy, I give you this comment:

Well, I just received my umpteenth wedding invitation addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Joe Blow" when my name is "Dr. Jane Sassy-Blow". Geesh! I've been married to this guy for almost 24 years now and no one in his family has still bothered to learn my name! Whoever said* the woman with the Dr. title should get to use it was right on! Or at the very least, let me use my legal - hyphenated - last name!

Right. Address people as they wish to be addressed, or failing that, by their names. Glad that's cleared up.

*That was me. I said that.

Claiming Our Feminist/Alt/DIY/Indie Weddings

This weekend, David and I went to a bookstore and somehow ended up sitting on the floor in the wedding section going through piles and piles of wedding books. I'm not totally sure how it happened, but I think it was a little bit like how we sometimes watch Say Yes To The Dress and yell one-liners at the screen and laugh and laugh and laugh. Anyway, laughing at the wedding industry has it's own punishment. Namely, it's really really funny until suddenly it's horrifying.

So there we were, sitting in the bookstore, reading wedding advice back and forth, and suddenly I started feeling really ill. Not, "Oh, this is making me nauseous, ha, ha, ha!" but more, "Oh dear God I'm going to lose it." I think it was right after I had read a tip to David about how "It is critical to think of your wedding as a enormous theatrical event," and while he was reading me a tip about how "Many brides waste literally thousands of their gift dollars by failing to register for the most lucrative items, forcing them to buy these items after the fact."

Cue: nausea.

This bridal book hilarity (or lack there of) haunted me all weekend. Over and over what kept running through my head was "Garbage in, garbage out." We went through almost every bridal book on the shelf, and almost every single one was explicit instructions on how to be a needy, self absorbed, demanding, obsessive bride. In fact, it was worse. Most of the books gently implied that if you didn't start acting and thinking this way, you were a bad bride. (Seriously. It was that bad. It was much much worse that I had ever imagined.)

And this is the way women get trapped between a rock and a hard place. Almost everything in our culture screams, "This is how to be a BRIDE!" and then the minute women start following instructions, they get slapped with the label Bridezilla. No good.

So, because great minds never seem to think alone, after a weekend of pondering this, two excellent posts showed up on the subject. Over at Accordions and Lace, the thinking goes as such:

I wish that making feminist decisions about weddings was a total non-issue, I really do. But ... being a bride is a performative role that is scrutinized by a shocking number of people who it is true, really shouldn’t give a sh*t. But the wedding world is even more conservative and conformist that the regular world (which isn’t exactly a friendly place for feminists in itself).

And Ariel at Offbeat Bride said:

But when you assume that anyone enthusiastically planning a wedding is automatically a victim of outside forces, you're asserting that women can't think for themselves and are powerless against the lures of taffeta and tiaras. That once we see something sparkly, it's all white blindness GIVE ME MATCHING GARTER bridezilla bullsh*t. That if you're planning a wedding, on a certain level … you've already lost your mind. Some people like big parties and are drawn toward extravagant weddings, offbeat or not. Some people hate big parties, and therefore plan a beautiful simple wedding. As long as it's an honest reflection of the couple getting married (and that includes an honest reflection of their budget!) I'm all for both ends of the simple/extravagant spectrum.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I think the internet is doing and excellent job of starting to allow women (and men) to grab on to the reins of wedding planning, and say, "This. This is mine. And you can eff right off with your double edged swords of crazy gendered rhetoric." I think the internet is allowing women to claim items that, as a traditionally female province are trashed as not important - wedding dresses, cakes, flowers, dancing, whatever, and claim them as real and vibrant and ours. All of this is excellent news. But, I guess I just want to see this philosophy start extending a bit more beyond our computer screens. I want more books like Offbeat Bride or DIY Wedding that can be read and passed from daughter to mother to grandmother to auntie. I want to see a whole lot less garbage in, because I already see that when freed from the bonds of crazy, a whole lot of beautiful celebrations can come out.

So lets do this thing. Lets take back our weddings. Lets take back the way weddings are viewed by our culture at large. When someone asks us about our bridesmaids dresses, maybe we should sweetly say, "Oh dear, no. I'm having a bridal brigade." When people ask us about our cake tastings, it's time to start saying, "Oh, I went with a local bakery. No need to taste." Or when people ask about our beautiful white wedding dress, it's time to nicely say, "It's so pretty and blue, you'll adore it."

Because this wedding stuff? This is ours.

Weddings From The Past

After my post on the WIC last week, such an interesting discussion broke out. Two comments in particular really stood out for me.

Erika commented:
This post reminds me to ask you if you're going to write more about weddings of our parents' and grandparents' generation, you know, pre-WIC. I know you've featured home weddings, backyard weddings, courthouse weddings, and written snippets about weddings of earlier generations. I for one would love to see these weddings of earlier generations featured here as a kind of WIC-antidote.

To which the answer is a huge yes. I would love to write about weddings of earlier generations, and I would adore it if you all had family weddings that you would like to submit, whether they come in the form of old newspaper clippings, remembrances, stories, or just simple pictures. My request is that if the wedding couple is living, make sure you have their permission to submit the wedding. I'm more than willing to change names, if that will make older generations more comfortable. If the couple is no longer alive, please make sure that you have the permission of the next living relation (parents, if it is your grandparents, etc.)

I think we all have a lot to learn from weddings in years gone by. At the same time, while looking at how weddings were thrown a generation or two ago, I think it's important to keep in mind that life has changed over the years, and that is a wonderful thing. It may have been easier for our grandparents to get married at home, but it was much harder to marry if you were interfaith, or interracial, and impossible to marry if you were gay. And those changes that we've seen over the years are wonderful things.Dalilou commented:
I find this post really, really interesting. I definitely began wedding planning with the idea of, "We'll keep it small- we'll have it pot-luck.Traditionally, that's what people used to do." (My family is Congolese and Haitian). But the reality of people flying in from all over the country and the world to attend our wedding has completely changed that. We have cut and cut as far as we feel is comfortable and our wedding is still over the top- mostly, because, as it turns out, we are hosting a family reunion that we are footing the bill for. Yes, I know that standards have changed and certain items have become a must-have but the reality is, is that our lives have changed drastically from the 1960's. People weren't hopping into airplanes to crisscross the globe so casually and people's social circles tended to be smaller. Also, people get married 10 years older than they used to. This means that they probably didn't have work friends + college friends+ high school friends. Maybe many of us are trying to hard to thread together the disparate parts of our lives. Or maybe one day we will get back to the idea that a wedding had more to do with building a home for the couple, rather than pretending as though we're richer than we really are.

And she's exactly right. Our lives are more complicated now. Our social circles are more spread out. We're marrying later, which means we're generally a bit more affluent and know a lot more people. So for me, this whole blog is about trying to find a way to embrace the complexity of modern life, and still have a wedding that's about building a new home and a new life together, not about creating an elaborate theatrical production. It's about balancing the demands of extended social circles and people flying in from all over the world, and still having a celebration that would and will make my grandmothers proud. It's about being a thoroughly modern woman, but still keeping a meaningful connection to the past - a connection I choose, not one that I'm sold.

So, please send in weddings from generations gone by. We'd all love to hear those stories.

Pictures via the Flickr Vintage Wedding Photostream, here and here

Our Wedding Update (The Dress Arrives)

It's been a while since I've given you an update on our wedding, so here we go. First off: of course the second I wrote a post about the absurdity of pre-fab wedding lists, my real life wedding list kicked into overdrive. In the past two weeks alone: my wedding dress arrived almost completed, we went shopping for lace trim for the dress, I got the materials to make both my veil and my headpiece, we finished our invitation design, we sent our invitations to the printer, we paid the final deposit for our venue, we started the process of ordering our wedding bands, we ordered vases for the flowers, we wrote our wedding service, we've continued pre-marital counseling, and we found a Ketubah to order... and honestly? I'm not even sure if that's it, because I can't remember anymore.

In sum: we've done a lot of wonderful, deep, rich, emotional work, and we've written a lot of checks. Mmmm.... writing checks. I think no matter how much money you are spending on your wedding, and no matter how thrifty you are trying to be, there will still be a point in the planning process where you feel like you are forking over a lot of money. Hopefully you're forking over an amount of money you feel comfortable with to people who's work your thrilled to support, but at the end of the day, money is still leaving your bank account. And for me at least, it's exhausting.

So I was lying in bed one night, feeling exhausted by all the spendspendspend tied to the wedding this month, and suddenly everything shifted. I looked up at my wedding dress hanging on my armoire and had a little burst of happiness. Then I thought about how soon we'd have the invitations we'd been planning for a year in our hands, and something clicked. I realized that the wedding we'd been dreaming of was finally coming together. I realized that that the handmade wedding that I'd hoped for, in some tiny part of me, for years and years was just around the corner.

And you know what? It all feels worth it. I don't know how important weddings are in the end. It is, after all, just one day in a life that is hopefully long and full. But I do know that having a wedding where the choices felt right, where the wedding felt like us, was how we wanted to start our married life together. These days all the pieces of that celebration are all over our house: the wedding dress waiting for lace to be hand-sewn on, the stylish and affordable vases piled in a corner, the cases of good local wine in the kitchen, and the birch huppah poles leaning up against the bookcase. And for now, for me, that is a good place to be. It is enough.

Picture: sneak peak of my handmade wedding dress, in progress

Sponsor Introduction: Invitation Consultants

I'm delighted to introduce APW's newest sponsor - Invitation Consultants - who have a website filled with low cost wedding invitations and a blog jam packed full of ideas. They feature an 'Affordable Elegance' line of wedding invitations where you can get 100 invitations for $125 (or less). You can customize your invitations online, view a online proof and order. And to top it off, you can add really practical extras like having your return address printed, ordering response cards, having your envelopes lined, or even your invitations stuffed printed and mailed for you. That's right, I said MAILED. For you. And for those of us that work a bazillion hours a week, that is a godsend.

Now go browse. I like the colorful invites, but I'm also awfully fond of this Unique Tradition invite. Formal, but quirky. Now go shop!

Picture: this invitation

The Wedding Industrial Complex, As It Were

I have started to notice that I use the phrase WIC quite a bit on this blog as a shortcut, and I've never discussed it at length. I think that shortcuts lead to lazy thought, which leads to dangerously sloppy thinking. So. Time to discuss.

What do I mean when I say WIC? In short: I mean the Wedding Industrial Complex. In long form, it's a lot more complicated.

I wish I could tell you the genesis of the term Wedding Industrial Complex, but I can't. I wish I could tell you the first time I heard the term WIC, but I can't, at least not precisely. I do know it was in the 1990's, a time when we spent a whole lot more time talking about the Military Industrial Complex, and I also know that I thought it was hilarious. It was funny in the way a New Yorker cartoon is funny. It was true and ridiculous at the same time. It was layered. It was evocative. The first time I heard the term I imaged factories churning out wedding dresses and massive diamond rings the same way they might churn out missiles or M-16's. I thought that it was correct in that the wedding industry can be destructive and enormous, but it was silly because the Military Industrial Complex was about making war and the Wedding Industrial Complex was (at least overtly) about making love. It was complicated, and I like complicated. It made me snicker, and I like snickering. It made me think, which as you might guess, I like.

All of this is a long way of saying, I use the term WIC because it makes me laugh. I use the term WIC with my tongue rather firmly in cheek, and I think at some point we lost track of the fact that the term is satirical.

So, you're wondering, *who* do I mean when I say WIC? Well, I mean two groups of people. The first thing is the most obvious: The Wedding Industry, all caps. The people that make money when we get married and are employed to figure out ways to maximize that profit: wedding magazines, bridal fashion conglomerates, the diamond industry, etc, etc, etc. To be perfectly clear: I am not anti-consumer, and I am not anti-profit. I don't think that there is an inherent problem with business or making money. That said, I think that the ways in which The Wedding Industry tries to sell us products are manipulative. I dislike the way that the wedding industry has changed our societal perceptions of a ritual that is designed to unite two people in a sacred or secular rite, into something resembling a massive theatrical production.

Which brings me to the second thing that I mean when I use the short-hand of WIC: I'm talking about Societal Expectations Of A Wedding. I'm talking about how when you tell people, "Oh, yeah, I'm just letting my bridesmaids wear what they want," mouths drop open. I'm talking about how when people ask to look at your engagement ring, if it doesn't meet their expectations they will voice their disapproval to your face. I'm talking about how, within a generation, we moved from parents throwing wedding receptions at home to parents throwing receptions in castles.

But finally, finally, I think blaming the wedding industry is way too easy. I use the term WIC because I need to keep posts short, and because I think every couple getting married in any even slightly non-traditional way knows what I mean on a gut level when I say "Wedding Industry." But I think the reason that the Wedding Industry is successful is because it taps in to things that many of us like: expensive shoes, fancy jewelry, pretty dresses, fantastic stationary, feeling like the star of the show for a day, or - say - castles. It's easy to mock, but in the end for many of us, there is a part of us that wants these things (at least a little bit).

If I was totally un-enamored of all things wedding, I'd be a boring wedding writer. If we had just run off to the courthouse when David proposed, I never would have needed to write this blog. But in the minutes after the proposal when I was sitting on a bench in a daze, David asked me, "Are you ready to plan a wedding?" and I whispered, "Yesssssss." I just didn't know how hard it was going to be to plan it on our own terms.

And that, my friends, is why I talk about the WIC. Tongue rather firmly in cheek.

Thoughts on your relationship with the wedding industry are welcomed (even relished) in the comments. But a for-warning: I expect all of us to keep it civil and smart, even when talking about a part of wedding planning that sometimes makes us want to gouge out our own eyes, or the eyes of others.

Sponsor Introduction: Lillian And Leonard Wedding Photography

I'm thrilled to get to write a post for one of my favorite girlfriends on the web, Peonies, who happens to be one half - along with her husband - of the most talented wedding photography duo in the UK. Perhaps you can prove to me that I am wrong, and that somewhere in the UK their is an equally talented pair of wedding photographers, but I'm dubious. So, Team Practical UK, let me tell you why you should without hesitation, hire Lillian and Leonard to shoot your wedding:

1. They are ridiculously talented photographers. They don't take piles of those posed wedding-formal-blah pictures, but instead they shoot beautiful little works of art. Their photos surprise, delight, and even amuse. They capture tiny bits of truth as light on film.
2. These are two people that you want to have at your wedding. I've had many a virtual pint with Peonies, and I can tell you, I really wish that she was going to be at my wedding bringing both her spirit and her artistry to the day. And she's just HALF of the duo.
3. Lillian and Leonard are at that taking-off-like-rockets point in their career. Over the past year I've seen their work go from really-really-good, to knock-your-socks-off great. Soon, none of us might be able to afford them, so strike while the iron is hot.
4. They are located in Scotland, but they are open to traveling around and about that great isle of yours (or, to quote Peony " or anywhere else you will take us.")
5. They shoot ten hours of wedding coverage. TEN HOURS! Who even does that? And there are two of them. In sum: you will have every last thing covered, and it will be bloody brilliant.
6. Have I mentioned Peony is funny? And sweet? And she and her husband are amazingly talented? Yes I believe I did. Now go browse around their blog and their website. And then book them, of course. Yay!!

In Praise Of The Particular

A few weeks back, I posted a few reflecting pieces about parts of the wedding planning process that make us insane, managing our stress, and the tyranny of society's current and obsessive compulsive focus on wedding details. After I posted it, Kathryn of Snippet & Ink and I were chatting wedding details, and she said something so thought provoking and true that I had to share it with you:

One of the things your posts this week made me think about was why do I love all of the wedding details? Because I really do love them (well, most of them; there are a chunk that I find absurd). And I realized that it's because I love details in general, I love things that are done thoughtfully and beautifully, that are meaningful, and that are little gifts to other people whether they realize it's a gift or not. And if a bride doesn't feel that way about the details, and if all she feels is pressure and like she doesn't measure up, then that's not thoughtful or meaningful in a good way, and it's not a gift to anyone! People need to remember that their wedding day should reflect who they are, and if for them that means walking down the aisle to Johnny Cash, and not perfectly coordinated vintage stamps, then THAT'S their gift.

Ding, ding, ding! Truth. It made me think back to my days in theatre school, where we spent a lot of time watching and writing personal performance pieces. The most true thing I learned from that experience was that universal things are never true - sweeping generalizations never punch us in the gut or grab us by the soul. The universal is always in the deeply particular. I think its this way with weddings to. If we make an effort to focus on living up to outside standards and come up with details we think we are supposed to have - whether they are flowers, or cake, or favors, or vintage stamps, we are just creating generic wedding stuff. Another invitation with cute vintage stamps, another set of monogrammed cookie favors, another shoe shot. It's not particularly meaningful to anyone except *maybe* the bride, and it will slowly drive the bride (if she is at all like me) out of her mind trying to live up. But, if instead, we strive to create a wedding that reflects who we are and what we value, we will, without trying, create details that will form an indelible impression in our guests minds, details that will be a gift.

You all know that I don't love favors. Well! In the wedding I featured yesterday, Ninon gave out favors of the honey that was her mother's favorite honey before she died. On top of the honey she wrote: 'Life is Sweet' with their wedding date. That, my friends, is the favor to beat all favors. That is the detail to beat all details. It wasn't about fussy ribbon tied around the honey jars (which during one wedding blackout she obsessed over), it was about giving her guests something that was deeply part of who she was. When I look at that favor I don't think "I need to come up with a favor as great as that." I don't even think, "Oh boy, I better find a favor, quick!" Instead I'm overwhelmed with the deep love Ninon showed for her mother, her guests, her family. I want to be more bravely honest with my wedding. That is what details can do.

For us, we're not working to create details, but to create meaningful rituals. I'm finding that out of these rituals details are being created inadvertently, but with great intention: the handmade wedding dress, the cake with blackberries and dahlia's, cutting the cake with my grandfather's saber, a huppah made with saplings. These are not details created to look good in a photo, but details that are close to our heart.

So Kathryn is right and I, up to a point, was wrong. It's not details that are the problem, it's how we approach the details. Strive to give of yourself, it is all the gift that your guests will want.

Photo by Jenny Ebert, from Ninon and Dan's wedding

Ninon and Dan's Quaker New York City Wedding

I'm so delighted to get to share Ninon and Dan's wedding with you. I've shared a number of reader weddings that used a Quaker-style wedding service, but this is the first honest-to-goodness traditional Quaker wedding I've had the privilege of sharing. As Ninon says, "Dan and I were married 'Under the Care' of Flushing Meeting, which is the real deal." Their wedding is beautiful, and I've found that Ninon's words have had particular resonance with me this week. As I've noticed my brain running off to obsess about things like "Oh, goodness, do we need ceremony decorations?" I keep coming back to the importance that Quakers put on simplicity. For me it's been an important reminder that simplicity has i's own beauty and its own value. And with that, I'll let Ninon take it away:We married the Saturday after Thanksgiving, Nov. 29, 2008. One of my best friends said it was pretty smart getting married around a nationally mandated holiday of thanks. Dan and I quite agree! Our wedding was informed by both joy and loss. My mother, who passed away five years ago this May, was a big inspiration. Finding creative and non-morbid ways to include her spirit and love was important to me. Celebrating with family was central to us both. When you have suffered a loss, like the death a mother, really taking the time to savor and hold up an occasion of joy becomes a beautiful thing. Bringing our families and wonderful friends together to truly celebrate life and love was our main focus.Our wedding was held in Flushing, Queens. We had a traditional Quaker wedding ceremony at the historic Flushing Quaker Meetinghouse which dates back to 1694.The outside of the Meetinghouse was under construction, scaffolding surrounding the old wood building and everything. When I first found out, just three months before our wedding, that the scaffolding would be up I was heartbroken. A construction site was not what we had pictured when we set
our date. But then it helped me embrace my motto for the wedding. "It's not going to be perfect! It's going to be amazing, but not perfect." This motto kept me sane and kept me focused on the things that were really important - friends and family coming together to celebrate Dan's and my love and union.We had the reception across the street at Flushing Town Hall, another historic site that is a working theatre. Dan and I are both actors, so it was perfect. Umm, I mean amazing!What made our wedding creative:
Our Save the Dates and our New Yorker inspired invitations were really fun. Our dear friend and creative soul mate, Paige Panzner-Kozek (paige.cards@gmail.com) helped us realize our literal take on the Save the Date (we sent actual dates, as in the dried fruit, all across the map). And she created a mini New Yorker magazine for our invitations.These both set a fun tone for our wedding and the response from our family and friends was amazing. We also incorporated fall in a lot of creative ways. Instead of vases for our centerpieces our florist used hollowed-out squash. The escort cards were die-cuts of pumpkins and leaves that I found online. My in-laws grew large pumpkins that we used to line the stage at the reception.

What made our wedding thrifty:
Many things:
We got ready at home, good friends did my makeup and hair,we took the subway out to Flushing, my dress was a bridesmaid's dress from Jenny Yoo (just done in white) and our DJs were recent college-grads who had worked at their university's radio station - dance elves solidly outside the WIC. Dan wore his grandfather's tux. It just needed slight alterations and it was a wonderful way to incorporate family and be a bit green as well. His "groomsmen" wore suits they already owned.
But, hands down the biggest thrift was my amazing brother, Chef Dan, who did our food. He hand cooked most of it, spent the days leading up (even Thanksgiving!) prepping it all himself and then had staff day-of to help. I told my brother early on, "I don't want you to work my wedding." But he wouldn't have it any other way. He poured all his love for me and my husband into one of the best dinners we and our guests have ever had. It was the best wedding present we got!What made our wedding sane:
Our day-of coordinator Jessica Prunell. Now, I never thought I'd be a bride with a wedding coordinator! I'm a Quaker for god's sake; we take simplicity very seriously. But I also did not want to run around like a chicken with my head cut off. I wanted to be in the moment which I knew, for me, meant getting professional help. We found the amazingly talented Jessica, who was organized, thorough, calm and truly worked so that we would have a wonderful and magical day. She was worth her weight in gold.My motto, "It's not going to be perfect! It's going to amazing, but not perfect," was the linchpin of my sanity. And the Quaker wedding ceremony itself really grounded the day.With its moments of contemplative silence and meditation, Dan and I got to sink down and truly feel the moment. It was, dare I say, perfect.
And last, but certainly not least, A Practical Wedding blog helped me keep perspective on a daily basis. It even made me laugh when I was in the throws of obsessing about things that, in the end, did not matter. (Editors note: Awwwwwwww...)

Thank you to you both. May your lives together be long, and filled with as much love and intention as this first perfectly imperfect day of marriage. Cheers to you both!

All photos by Jenny Ebert

HappyHappyHappy!

First off, I want to thank you all for being nice to my sick, slower posting self this week. Next week I'll be back with thinky-ness and real weddings and magic. Also, less of a cough.

Second of all, I just have to say, I'm running off tomorrow to celebrate my biiiirrrrrthhhhddddaaayyyy!* I'm turning almost-30 this year, but I have zero anxiety, because I know by the time I turn 30 I'll be married. Which is accomplishment enough, especially if you happen to know just who I'm lucky enough to be getting married TO. Yep, I defiantly am getting the better end of *that* deal.

So have a wonderful wonderful weekend all! (Especially happy wishes Chelsey, the Team Practical member getting married on my birthday. Yes. I remember these kinds of things.)

*You are so not surprised that I'm an Aries.

Photo by the exquisite Aubrey Trinnaman

It Gets Better And Better

In case you missed it, one of my favorite weddings in the whole world, with one of my favorite designers in the whole world, was featured on Offbeat Bride today. Annnndddd it includes details you haven't even heard yet, so you'll want to check that out.

If you want the full story behind the dress, you'll want to look here and here. As for how the dress changed my life? That's another story.

Sponsored Post: Bravo Bride - New Blog And Forum

You all remember prior APW sponsor Bravo Bride, the site that allows you to sell and buy all manner wedding items - vases, wedding dresses, wedding rings, you name it, to help you save money, cut down on waste, and keep your wedding green. Well, Bravo Bride has just upped it's game! They are introducing a new blog with discounts, cost cutting tips, clever ideas and articles by guest bloggers. They've also worked to make the site more user friendly by adding an advanced search feature, so you can look for items by location, condition, or a myriad of other handy ways. And finally, Bravo Bride is introducing a new bridal forum called bridal banter, for discussion amongst budget-savvy brides. You can discuss frustrations, reception ideas, or just talk about items you'd like to see listed for sale on the site. So go explore. The world needs more forums for savvy brides to share wedding items as well as stories.

Grey Wedding Dress, Given

Oh, you guys are just amazing. Amazing, I tell you. Every day you blow me out of the water. Brandi, who is giving away a lovely grey dress to a Team Practical member, picked AM as the winner. AM is, I-swear-to-god, getting married at Walden Pond, where Thoreau did much of his writing, and having a reception afterwards at their fixer-upper home in the Blue Ridge Mountains. Her response is amazing enough to get it's own post:

Hello Meg, Brandi, and Team Practical,

I would love to wear this dress to my elopement, which will (hopefully!) take place at Walden Pond, sometime this summer or fall, and/or the post-elopement celebration of our marriage at our home in the Blue Ridge mountains. My fiance and I chose Walden Pond because (1) Thoreau's writings, and his emphasis on self-reliance and simplicity, are at the core of the life we are building together, (2) the permit is only $17, (3) we want our marriage to take place where any loving and devoted couple may marry, and (3) other life reasons, explained below.

I have been reading this blog since July 2008, when I got engaged to my long time beau. I was planning a spring wedding with lots of family in Nashville, my hometown. I had even found a great, old pub for the reception. My Dad wasn't always there for me growing up, so when he offered to pay for the wedding, it was a meaningful gesture. I was also thrilled because it allowed me and my fiance to buy a fixer-upper house together this winter, since we weren't worried about wedding expenses.

In the middle of my plans for what I thought was already going to be a relatively practical wedding came the news of my Dad's layoff. He lost his job in December and is now collecting unemployment. My fiance's parents also lost a huge chunk of their retirement in 401k's in recent months, so we're not in position to ask them for help either.

Given all that's going on, my wedding needed to be a little more self-reliant and a lot more simple...so we dreamed up a Walden Pond elopement/honeymoon combo we thought Thoreau might approve of. With a $17 permit, a justice of the peace, and no more than 20 onlookers (Pond rules!), we plan to elope in the late summer or fall (if we can wait that long!) We'll each have two witnesses/dear friends as witnesses to an utterly simple, quiet ceremony in the beauty of nature. Our reception will take place at our new fixer-upper house in the Blue Ridge mountains (which will hopefully be somewhat more fixed by then!) sometime afterwards, complete with homemade food, a bonfire, and intertubing on the New River, which is just a few miles from our country house. Guests and family will be invited to camp anywhere on our five acre backyard, to help keep travel costs low.

The beauty of all these difficulties is that we now get to be even more creative and unconventional about the celebration of our marriage. So, in a way, these "difficulties" are the perfect excuse for letting us break rules and justify the lack of tradition to our parents...a true blessing in disguise. It would be an honor to wear your lovely dress at either the elopement itself or our homestyle Appalachian celebration afterwards, whichever is more practical!

See? Now don't you feel especially blessed to be part of this community? I do. AM, please drop me a line, and I'll put you in touch with Brandi. You are the proud new owner of a stunning grey wedding dress. From Team Practical to you.

Feisty Flowers

I am healing so so slowly over here, so I decided to pass you small bits of inspiration I've been hording away for myself. First off, you've been reading 100 Layer Cake, right? It's the new wedding blog started by a group of graphic designers in Los Angeles, and it's the blog-girl-gang-lowkey-fabby version of wedding planning that's going to take Martha Stewart by storm. Anyway, they wrote a post about floral designer Dandelion Ranch that will kill you with it's inspiration and right-thinkingness. The above trough o' flowers inspired me to order a few of my own flower troughs in my big vase order this week (more on that soon).
And then there are these babies. One word for you: blackberries. One of my slightly unhealthy bridal ticks (we all have them) involves wanting to incorporate local in season foliage in our wedding. We're getting married in the Bay Area in the summer, which happens to be one of my favorite places in the world during one of my favorite seasons. Somehow the stars aligned in my life for me to be married there, then. I'm grateful. As a result, I really want the wedding to smell like the season. I want blackberries, I want jasmine, I want fresh mint. And I want them all in one little bouquet. I'm not sure how I'm doing that yet, but this picture helped remind me of what was important to me. Also, friends have pointed out I should possible go with fake blackberries, since I'm clumsy and blackberries are smooshy. Point.

Photos: First: 100 Layer Cake, Second: Anna Kuperberg via Snippet & Ink, flowers by Birch

Cue Hilarious And Self Aware Laughter

Winning the award for most hilarious email to land in my inbox this week, we have this, from the imitable Kimi:

My friend just told me that her friend bought her "perfect wedding shoes" for $1000.
As my friend said, "she has seriously lost the plot".

Heeeeeee. Because, yes.
And also, who hasn't had a day or two when they (achem) lost the plot?

Sponsored Post: PreOwnedWeddingDresses Veils And Accessories

I'm delighted to announce that the long-time APW sponsor PreOwnedWeddingDresses.com has just introduced a new section of the site to buy and sell veils and accessories. This particularly appeals to me, because if I had to pick one wedding item that was most often *way* overpriced in bridal salons, I'd go with veils every time. The site features pretty simple long veils like the one above.
But, PreOwnedWeddingDresses doesn't just feature traditional veils, but short-and-sassy veils like this birdcage number.
Finally, the site is now set up so you can sell shrugs, flowers, shoes, jewelry, and the like. I've noticed that there isn't that much being sold in this department yet, and I know that you guys have the best taste in wedding accessories pretty much EVER. So if you have a shrug left over from your wedding, go sell it! Pass on your fabulous taste to another bride. Now go shop, but practically.

Slow Posting (cough, cough, cough)

Dear Team Practical/Blog Babies,
If posting is slow this week, please forgive me. I have bronchitis, and a bronchial infection. It's going around, it seems. Doesn't that sound dramatic? (cough). Think happy thoughts in the general direction of my lungs please. I'd like them returned to full and sassy working order.

The Most Important Thing Is Not To Fear

This is my last post of the week, and we are off to celebrate Passover and Easter with our respective families in LA (and do other really really cool stuff that I can tell you more about later).

But before I go, I wanted to wish all of my Jewish readers a happy Passover. Passover is the celebration of the liberation of the Israelites out of bondage in Egypt, and the time of year when we take time to personally reflect on ways that we feel in bondage in our own lives, and ways that we want to find and celebrate personal freedom. Thinking about all this has hit me really hard this year, as I face a myriad of Big Life Transitions in the next few months. How do I want to free myself from parts of my life that feel like bondage? How do I want to feel like my deepest, truest self heading into this new chapter of my life?

In a way, this meditation is the essence of what this site is about, because it's only nominally about weddings, really. I write APW because this community inspires me to live in a deeper, truer, and braver way - to live more deeply and richly. Weddings are a small microcosm of the way we live our lives: How do we express our values? How do we express our personal style? How to we balance embracing traditions that have value to us and rejecting cultural expectations that limit our growth? That is what this site is to me. Weddings are just the tip of the iceberg.

So for you, my dear Team Practical, I leave you with a Hebrew prayer that spoke to me this week as I thought about breaking free of bondage, and living more truthfully:

All the world is a very narrow bridge, and the most important thing is not to fear at all.
Kol ha'olam kulo gesher tzar me'od, v'ha'ikar lo lefahed klal.


Chag Pesach Sameach, dear readers! Think of freedom, taste it. I'll see you next week.

Celebrating Freedom In Vermont

I know, right? Two marriage equality posts in one week? These are exciting times to be living in/ getting married in. So, a quick round up:

• Vermont, Vermont, Vermont! Gay Marriage is now legal in Vermont! And, in a even neater twist, Vermont is the first state to achieve marriage equality through legislative action. It's out of the courts! Next, we're going to see positive change in the voting booth, I am absolutely sure of it.
• Um, I think you need to go buy this Iowa shirt now. Or this one. Iowa, I'm a big fan.
• If you haven't done so, go peruse the comments of the marriage equality thread from earlier this week. Team Practical has come up with many touching ways to bring a small sense of justice to the currently unequal institution of marriage during your wedding. I'm not sure I emphasized this enough in the last post, so I want to say this: if you feel moved to do something to promote marriage equality on your wedding day, there are many many ways that you can do this. If it doesn't feel right to you to make a public statement, you are doing *just* as good a thing if you make a donation to a gay rights organization privately, or find some other small and personal action to take. Sometimes it is the quietest actions that are the most meaningful.
• And finally, please go watch this gut-wrenching reminder of why gay marriage rights are not about giving couples their 'Big Day' but about providing vital rights to parents and families. The sooner we realize that our laws are ripping loving families apart, the sooner people will be willing to step aside and realize that whatever their personal beliefs are, all citizens of our country deserve equal protection under the law.
• UPDATE! UPDATE! Annnnnnnndddddd the D.C. council just moved to recognize gay marriages performed elsewhere. Now *that* is what I call momentum. (Thanks MsTeacherLady!)
  

As the Jewish celebration of freedom begins, a cheer for the new freedoms granted in Vermont, and a prayer for all those who are not yet free.

(Comments are on, as long as any discussion stays respectful of all LGBTQ readers and supporters. We're a gay friendly safe place over here. That's just how we roll.)

(See... all this prattling on is what happens when I'm running low on real gay weddings. You have my email, lets keep them coming.)

Abby and Adam's Egalitarian Jewish Wedding

I try to feature a fair amount of Jewish weddings on this site, because, well, we're having one. If you are planning a modern-practical-egalitarian Jewish wedding, it sometimes feels like there is not a lot of inspiration out there for you. Abby sent me her wedding, and I fell in love. After you read this post, go read her Live Journal rundown as well. I'm on board with anyone who's sassy enough to say that the theme of her wedding is "Jewish." Right. And also? "Wedding." Take it away Abby:
Our wedding was held in June 2008, at Congregation Beth El in Sudbury, Massachusetts. We joined a synagogue for the first time after getting engaged because we wanted to have a rabbi who knows us to perform the wedding. We've since gotten really active and involved in the community and really love being part of a synagogue for the first times in our lives. Getting married (after 8 years together) was part of a conscious decision for us to be more Jewish, and joining a synagogue has really been a positive change in our lives.What made your wedding creative: We had a really mellow, fun, relaxed wedding. I'm a teacher of Deaf kids (and a Yiddishist in my spare time), and he's the ranger of a boyscout camp, and a forester, lumberjack, orchardist, and woodworker the rest of the time. We wanted to have a simple, reasonable, un-extravagant, and, well, practical Jewish wedding.Our theme was "Jewish," and beyond that "in season." I wore a cotton dress from j crew, and he wore a cotton seersucker suit, nice for a hot summer day. We wrote our own egalitarian ketubah text in Yiddish.
What made your wedding thrifty: We tried not to pay for things we didn't want to have, despite pressure from the parents (but you simply MUST have a cake! etc.). We didn't have party favors, but we did order personalized wedding yarmulkes (!!!) with our names on the inside. (<-- so worth it!) I didn't want a veil or an updo, but I did pay someone to blow dry my hair the morning of the wedding for ultimate smoothness.My dress cost $100, and his suit was $75 (bought on sale the August before!). We made our own invitations with our laser printer and cardstock and envelopes and rubber stamps. We saved a lot of money on food: Instead of hiring a full-service caterer, we went with individual vendors - a vegetarian Indian restaurant made the food, and we hired accomodators to serve and clean up. We bought the cake from a bakery and alcohol from a liquor store that delivers. A friend from the synagogue organized the cooking of an amazing array of appetizers, potluck style. We rented plates and silverware and glasses, but bought linens and cloth napkins because they were cheaper than renting. Doing things with separate vendors was a little more tricky, but we saved 60% at least over the cost of hiring a full-service caterer. We also saved money by having the wedding and reception at the synagogue, and by growing our own flowers, which our friends drunkenly arranged in vintage blue mason jars the night before the wedding. Having a Sunday lunch wedding didn't save much money (the wedding books always say that off-peak weddings are cheaper) because most places charged an extra fee to deliver on Sundays. We hired a great Klezmer band, the Wholesale Klezmer Band, and they were worth every penny. Everything, including the wedding and reception for 150 guests, the venue, the alcohol, the band, our clothes, the honeymoon, my engagement ring (a vintage sapphire) and our wedding rings, cost a total of $12,000.

What made your wedding sane: My husband is the ranger of a boyscout camp, and most of our guests stayed at the camp in bunkbeds for the weekend of the wedding. It was so fun to have everyone there, and I think my favorite part of the weekend was getting back from the Aufruf on Saturday afternoon and blowing off my manicure appointment to just hang out at home with our friends and eat lunch outside and relax.
After the wedding on Sunday, everyone went home to change and then came over to our house with marshmallows and chips and beer for a spontaneous backyard barbecue that lasted all night. It was so nice to have that time to hang out and relax with friends.

My Wedding Dress Update (And Such)

Some of you have requested an update on my handmade wedding dress, and well, I don't have much. Yet. If you are having your wedding dress made by friends and family, you need to let your inner control freak relax, because baby, it's out of your hands. I haven't seen my wedding dress since Christmas, when it took off to Michigan with my sister. It is, however, in the mail as-we-speak, so soon I will have it in my hot little hands, and will be able to try it on, spin around, buy some shoes, make a veil, and hand-sew on some lace trim. Hooray. In the meantime though, I have this picture and email from my sister to tide you over:I broke the ceiling light fixture in my dining room pinning the hemline yesterday. I think that probably qualifies me for some kind of award*. Also, I've decided to have my wedding in March, so I can have a cake made entirely out of Thin Mints. Mmmmm, Thin Mints. Om nom nom**.

She also helpfully pointed out in my email that I recently posted about "Chandlers in the TREES?" and said: "I think you mean chandeliers. Chandlers are people who make candles. Do the chandlers get wax and molds up the trees so they can actually be working, or do they just wear signs saying, "I'm a chandler!!"? "

But you know, now I can't go back and fix that spell check induced typo, because it's just too funny. So, Chandlers' in trees it is.

PS - My sister just got a pet hedgehog (well, a hoglet, since it's a baby). I think that means my wedding dress is the half-sister to a hedgehog.
*What kind of award, do you think?? Ideas in the comments, please.
**Who is doing this? I bet you could sort of ice them together. Yum.

All Pictures by my sister

Sponsor Introduction: Savoie Faire Photography

APW's newest Etsy sponsor is Savoie Faire Photography, who takes photos of everyday objects, and makes them into words. It's a simple way to elevate the everyday, to make the mundane beautiful. Savoie Faire sells name prints for weddings, so couples who are taking on a new family name can welcome their guests to their reception. (if you are hyphenating, this could be a lovely and not-to-subtle way to remind people of your new name). She also makes thank you cards, and joy cards, which would be great to send out after the wedding is over.

Go browse, enjoy. Hurrah for Etsy!

Honoring Marriage Equality In Your Wedding Ceremony

In case you all have totally missed the news for the last three days: Gay Marriage is now legal in Iowa! Hooray! I've been very fond of Iowa since we spent time in the lovely Iowa city during our cross country move, but now I love-love of Iowa.

Iowa, and Iowans, a big wet kiss from me to you. MWAH! (That was a open mouth 18-month-old style kiss. Then I gave your cheek a friendly lick and smiled)

Given the good news out of the Midwest, and the not-so-great news out of California, I thought it was time to revisit our old dilemma: how can we make a statement about the importance of marriage equality on our wedding day? I've collected a short list of our ideas, and I would love if you would add your thoughts in the comments. Lets get a list going!

• We are giving a donation of tzedakah in honor of our wedding day to a gay rights organization, most likely Lambda Legal, though there are a number of worthy organizations you could give to. Our rabbi has suggested that we give a donation of 3% of our wedding budget, I suspect we will give at least that much.
• We're planning to put a small statement in the program along these lines: "Meg and David believe that marriage is a universal human right, and continue to fight and pray for the day when we will be able to share the joys and privileges of civil marriage with all of our LGBTQ sisters and brothers."
• Our Rabbi has suggested that we ask someone close to us to make a toast to us and to marriage equality during our Ketubah signing ceremony, when we will also sign our civil marriage certificate.
• Finally, and most beautifully, our Rabbi has suggested that we add something small into our ceremony to honor our commitment to gay rights. In the Jewish tradition, at Passover, you spill a bit of wine from your cup for each of the ten plagues that the Egyptians endured before the Jewish people were given their freedom, to reduce our joy with recollection of the suffering of others. Similarly, our Rabbi suggested that as we drink the two cups of wine present in the Jewish wedding service, that we spill a bit of wine from that cup as a reminder that many of our brothers and sisters do not have the same rights and privileges that we are enjoying on that day. (A practical note: the wine is spilled by dipping your finger in the cup and removing a drop of wine, not by dumping it on the floor.)

I know some straight couples choose to not legally marry as a protest against the lack of marriage equality in the United States. That didn't feel like the right choice for us. We've instead chosen to consciously make our wedding, and this blog, part of our activism. We happen to be getting married by two (both religiously married) lesbian clergy members, so our message will not be terribly subtle, though we'll try not to bang everyone over the head with it, skillet style.

Now, I'm throwing you you, Team Practical, what other gestures can we make on our wedding days for marriage equality?

Photo of one of my favorite weddings of all time, as shot by the endlessly cool Our Labor Of Love

Blue Wedding Dress, Given

The lucky recipient of Erika's beautiful blue wedding dress is..... Jona! Who said:

What a sweet gesture, Erika...I've been drawn to this blog for ages, and I've quietly admired your dress from afar. I'm planning my Indian-American wedding in a practical, no fuss, organic way--most of which I attribute to the community of brides and others I've found through this blog.

Indian weddings are large, lavish, and sometimes over the top...ours will be small, simple, green, at a small museum outside Boston, with lots of colors (which I love). In our culture, white is worn during grief, and bright colors and silks(blues, greens, reds) are worn at weddings.

I have a red and gold sari to wear during the ceremony, but I'm still torn about what to wear for the reception. I would love to wear your dress, with some of my mother's Indian jewelry. My favorite color is blue, and my engagement ring that my fiance and I designed together is a greeny-blue sapphire. It is gorgeous and I'd be absolutely honored to wear it on my special day. Thanks again for your kindness, generosity, and wedding inspiration...

Jona, send me your address, and I'll pass it along to Erika. And remember to send us pictures of the wedding (pretty pretty please!) Cheers, you guys. Cheers.

Or White, In This Case

Team Practical: We're in style.

Via The New Yorker, of course