Comments on A Practical Wedding: Reclaiming Wife: What We Need, What We Fear

We have known, loved each other most of our adult ...

2009-11-20T23:15:47.927-08:00

We have known, loved each other most of our adult lives. I want a marriage that is built on the blossoming kind of love. At times there will be passion but I feel happiest when we are quietly enjoying each others company thinking and sharing the vibes of love. When we sit and make crazy jokes or flirt with each other across a crowded room.
I am sure we are way to practical but I don't mind.

Thanks, Meg. You are right about the therapy. I al...

2009-11-19T23:55:04.636-08:00

Thanks, Meg. You are right about the therapy.
I also think it's smart to institute a what-if policy of some sort. Wish I had thought of that before!

@Anon Lord honey, I'm so sorry. Therapy lady, ther...

2009-11-19T17:31:31.316-08:00

@Anon
Lord honey, I'm so sorry. Therapy lady, therapy is suddenly going to be worth the money... talk this shit out.

We, oddly, have a "if you f*ck up, don't make it my problem by telling me, just get your sh*t together" policy. F*ck up ONCE that is.

Count me in for the book club! I love everyone's c...

2009-11-19T13:34:28.974-08:00

Count me in for the book club! I love everyone's comments. I want a joyful, supportive marriage based on mutual respect and devotion. I love my fiance for being everything I'm not - spontanious, impulsive, living in the moment. Hopefully his goodness will rub off on me so we can grow old together. :)

Something I was afraid of just happened: my fiance...

2009-11-19T02:34:23.118-08:00

Something I was afraid of just happened: my fiancee admitted that he cheated on me! I'm totally freaking out and trying to figure out what to do. Apparently a lot of couples cheat at some point during the lifetime of their relationship ... but it's so hard to accept that this happened. It's also hard to know what to do; break up or stick with it. Some women do Stand By their Man, but do I want to be THAT woman?

This is a really interesting topic! LPC's comment...

2009-11-18T14:57:29.178-08:00

This is a really interesting topic! LPC's comment really resonates with me.

We already have a little'un - he's nearly two now. The support and love of my hubband-to-be was essential when he was new, we have a strong relationship. And I'm looking forward to being his wife sooo much! I push myself to be creative, to do stuff, learn new things, and this is for me. But do I come first? No. Neither does my fiancee - nor would he want to. Our child is our priority, and always will be, and his health and happiness mean that we are happy too, and can then concentrate on ourselves.

I'm not "just a mom" but I'm certainly a mum first, whatever else I do.

@Cate - I admire all of you for trying to keep you...

2009-11-18T14:25:37.069-08:00

@Cate - I admire all of you for trying to keep yourselves and your husbands first. I support it. I only need to remind everyone that it's not a simple task in the face of love for babies.

I want ... a meaningful marriage. A marriage that...

2009-11-18T14:19:26.366-08:00

I want ... a meaningful marriage. A marriage that has real purpose, not just for those of us in it, but in family, community, and world. I want a marriage in which we are both stronger and more effective for being a part of it. I want a marriage that gives people hope.

Definitely creative. Definitely loving. Definitely both practical and brave.

We're both children of divorced families, and the idea of such a thing is terrifying to both of us, and almost as terrifying as the idea of being together and miserable and without love. So far, we've been constantly challenging one another to new heights, and our upcoming marriage feels like a natural part of this process. But I worry what would happen to us if this dynamic were ever to change. What if we stopped believing in one another's dreams? What if we started sabotaging one another instead?

I have to believe that we can do this thing the way we hope, that the patterns of our parents are not the ones we must inevitably follow. I want to look back at the end of my life and feel that this marriage was the best decision I ever made.

This is a fantastic conversation. When I think ab...

2009-11-17T17:25:22.621-08:00

This is a fantastic conversation. When I think about the marriage I want, I think about all the fun things I imagine us doing in the future. All the great trips I want us to take, big events like having kids...but I also think alot about the day to day support we give eachother and how much that means to me. The one thing that I can describe as feeling "different" after the wedding is this subtle feeling that someone is always going to have my back. That we are a team. That everything we do effects eachother and supports eachother.
What I fear the most is probably complacency. I don't want us to take eachother for granted, or for us to fall into defined roles without realizing it. I worry that having children will change our relationship in ways I can't yet imagine.
I think the bravest part of marriage is having those fears and getting married anyway. If I didn't have fear about marriage I don't think I would take it so seriously.

I like the words "brave marriage". I'd like one of...

2009-11-17T15:00:31.225-08:00

I like the words "brave marriage". I'd like one of those. Having just married 6 weeks ago, I can't help but dreamily think of our 10 year anniversary.

Must admit: I'm a HUGE romantic, totally believe in true love and all that mushy stuff. But I also believe in having a strong, independent spirit and I want to maintain that.

What I fear? Losing the spark. My husband and I were together 8 years before getting married, and being a couple is still thrilling. It doesn't feel like work. That's not to say life has been roses that entire time, but it's never been so arduous we wanted to quit being together.

I hope we continue to have lots of adventures together; both in life and around the globe.

T's uncle and aunt, who've been married 40 years, won the anniversary dance at our wedding. When we asked them for a bit of "old married advice", his uncle paused a moment and then said, "Just be nice to each other."

Words to live by!

@Kristie Dan Savage talks a lot about the "sucessf...

2009-11-17T11:52:39.700-08:00

@Kristie
Dan Savage talks a lot about the "sucessful marraige" idea in his book The Commitment. He talks about how in society's eyes, as long as you don't get a divorce, you have a sucessful marraige. Or specifically, that a sucessful marraige is defined by death.

He talks about married family members who were miserable and disliked each other, and fought all the time, and one day the husband dropped dead of a heart attack, and BINGO, their marraige was a sucess. Or as our Rabbi said in our marraige conseling 'Sometimes divorce is a mitzvah' (good deed).

So I think you're right. I think fear of divorce is maybe a bit of a misplaced fear (and we all have it some degree, right? Both our sets of parents have been happily married for forever, and we still have it). Perhaps we should be afraid of misery instead.

Hum.

In the engaged world, there is so much discussion ...

2009-11-17T10:27:28.187-08:00

In the engaged world, there is so much discussion of dresses and fairytale marriages - and so little discussion of fears, hopes and reality. I'm sick of people asking me about details of my wedding - ask me how I feel about getting married, tell me about the realities of your marriage. The comments on this post are refreshing and help me feel like...well, like I'm not alone.

We have been together for almost 5 years, so I've seen how our relationship has evolved so far. Some of the ways it has changed bother me because they are things I said I never wanted. Others are pleasant surprises. I worry that our relationship has already become routine and it will become more so. I'm scared that I'll wake up in 10 years and have a mental breakdown from it all. I fear that we will become the couple from Revolutionary Road. I don't want to lose myself in my roles as "wife" and (maybe) "mother." At the same time, I fear my independence and need to be an individual will make me a bad wife and terrible mother because it will distance me from my darling husband. At the same time, I don't fear divorce. My parents are happily divorced from each other. While the first couple of years were awful, it taught me a lot about what happens in a marriage. My parents' divorce helped me redefine a "successful" marriage. I fear losing D as a friend and confidant more than I fear losing him as a husband.

My opinion has always been that the world provides what you really need. If you need a house, the money will be there. I don't want my marriage to always be about balancing the books.

I want a marriage full of adventures, new experiences, struggles, passion, friendship, life... I want a marriage that challenges and supports me to become the very best person I can be. D is concerned that I want it all and thinks I need to sacrifice. I don't believe that I can't have it all with enough planning. I worry that having children will force us into a routine and mean putting things close to my heart like going back to school and travel on hold until after the children are grown. I want D to be first in my heart and in my life.

Book club! Team brave! Hurrah! Meg, I feel like 2...

2009-11-17T03:31:23.470-08:00

Book club! Team brave! Hurrah!

Meg, I feel like 24 hours pondering what I fear for my marriage has done me so much good, thank you.

We both come from a big background of divorce, so really have no strong model for a happy (first) marriage. But thinking about it, that doesn't frighten me. That, strangely, inspires me. I feel like it will be SO amazing to make this marriage work, for life. It's an exciting goal, to do something our parents didn't manage.

But what I am afraid of... firstly, not looking forward to seeing my husband at the end of each day (yes, it's that simple, and that important). Secondly, not being a positive influence in my husband's search for happiness, wherever it takes him.

So, it's not exactly that I want to make him happy, but that I want to be a support in his life as he makes himself happy. (I suppose that's what I want from him too.)

LPC - you're so right, you can't help the way you feel. You can't change the all-encompassing love you have for your children, nor would you want to. You can't help how you feel, but you can help what you do, can try to put your husband first, and not let your life slip into being all about the kids.

i don't think i feel any pressure into having THE ...

2009-11-16T23:00:35.695-08:00

i don't think i feel any pressure into having THE 'perfect' marriage. because a) i don't think it exists, and b) i am more concerned with having a loving marriage.

growing up, my parents fought a lot and they never divorced (although many a quarrel ended in tears and threats of divorce). till this day, i cringe and curl up into a ball inside when i hear that hard edge in their voices when they argue.

so i guess, what i fear is an angry marriage. a marriage built on resentment and disdain for one another.

i also don't have any examples of successful, long-lasting marriages in my family... so that's another fear of mine, as i am 2 months away from my own marriage. that my marriage will eventually turn into my parents' - no affection, so much anger, disjointed and unhappy. it's scary to think something so good and wonderful and special now could possibly become something else next time. that said, i'm aware both parties have to work at it. i guess i just fear 'extenuating circumstances', changes neither of us can fight against. i do believe that happens. and sometimes it's meant to be.

the next big fear i have is about children. i don't want to have children for several reasons, but i suppose i'm still torn. in asia (where i'm from), having children is seen almost as a necessary by-product of marriage. the thought of not carrying on the family line is balked at. but to me, i distinctly remember how my parents' marriage grew from playful and affectionate (when i was maybe 2,3,4 years old) and quickly degenerated into angry and quarrelsome (as i grew older). i do believe children fundamentally change a marriage and test it significantly, and i'm not sure i am ready for nor want that. thankfully, my fiance is understanding and is fine not having children (for now).

so i guess the dilemma lies in, am i being selfish/not believing strongly enough in my marriage by resisting having children? or am i merely making the right personal choice?

ashley--thanks for what you said! "I hope to stay ...

2009-11-16T18:26:47.999-08:00

ashley--thanks for what you said! "I hope to stay adventurous and witty." That is really going to stick with me. Simple and wonderful to think about. I guess I haven't thought too much about what I fear about marriage. I am basically basking in newlywed bliss--not too focused on 5 year/10 year plans (the 1 year plan does not include babies or buying a house). At the moment though, I would say I'm afraid that we'll stop fighting. That it won't be worth it to either of us to bring up something that is bothering us, to disagree (sometimes loudly and heartily), to discuss, and to make up. I don't want either of us to end up so complacent that we'll just deal with something that is really bothering us, rather than earnestly discuss it.

I agree with Ms Bear Club a little...My Mum was a ...

2009-11-16T17:49:19.790-08:00

I agree with Ms Bear Club a little...My Mum was a doer...she did everything....it was just easier to do it herself than wait for Dad to step and and do it (this led to resentment and ultimately a divorce)......I look at myself and I am also a doer, I need to let go of the reins and accept that it may not always be perfect but I have got to be happy with that. It doesnt have to be perfection all the time and we just have to be able to laugh together at the end of the day.
So here's to letting go of the reins and seeing what it will bring us..............

Hey! Count me in for the book club... purchasing t...

2009-11-16T16:14:09.784-08:00

Hey! Count me in for the book club... purchasing the book tonight.

I just bought the book; it sounds interesting. Cou...

2009-11-16T15:27:19.946-08:00

I just bought the book; it sounds interesting. Count me in for the book club!

It's wonderful how one person's bravery inspires t...

2009-11-16T14:55:06.016-08:00

It's wonderful how one person's bravery inspires the others'.

THIS IS SUCH AN AMAZING, REAL CONVERSATION! I love...

2009-11-16T14:53:51.305-08:00

THIS IS SUCH AN AMAZING, REAL CONVERSATION! I love it! Thank you for sparking such great comments in such amazing women Meg!

I don’t want a perfect marriage, just a “perfect f...

2009-11-16T14:41:23.930-08:00

I don’t want a perfect marriage, just a “perfect for us” marriage. I certainly hope that we make decisions based on us and not expectations placed on us. The biggest thing I want for our marriage to stay ourselves. I want to always be goofy and silly and say nonsense words. And I want to always “pick” on the puppies and act like we’ve lost our minds (or at least that’s what I assume others would think.) and I always want to stay passionate. We argue - but that’s us. We both are stubborn and express our thoughts in a way that reflects that. While I want to grow together and learn better ways to deal with our differences, I never want to become so detached that we don’t care enough to even let the other person know when they are annoying or disrespectful. To me, that would be the worst – indifference. I hope we always share out emotions, fears, and daily thoughts with each other. And I never ever ever want us to be defined by parent roles. I want to be myself before a mother and him to stay himself before a father. Hopefully that will make us better, more intriguing parents. I don’t think my mother had one friend outside of my father and her family. I hope to stay adventurous and witty. I hope to inspire my children with my not letting my own personality disappear. And I hope that when we are 60 years old we say silly nonsense things to each other, still go on trips for cupcakes, travel the world, and generally don’t act our age.

This is a beautiful blog, and these are beautiful ...

2009-11-16T14:29:31.618-08:00

This is a beautiful blog, and these are beautiful comments.

I fear giving up. This is a silly allegory, but this summer I studied in Tanzania, and I tried to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. At 4 in the morning during the final climb to the peak, I gave up. I was tired, it was hard, but I know I could have gone on. That's a secret that nobody knows. I didn't get altitude sickness. I just didn't think that I could do it, so then...I didn't.

When I marry Miles, I'm afraid that when things get hard, as they most certainly will with moves and him starting medical school, I'm afraid that I won't be strong enough to fix the broken parts of our marriage when we are a little too harsh with it, or neglect it. I'm afraid that I'm not a strong enough person to keep on going. I'm afraid I'm a quitter who doesn't like to struggle for breath, or to fight against the aches and pains of life.

Fortunately, I'm marrying someone who is the opposite of a quitter. And he loves me. Someone once told me that fear is the antithesis of faith. So 6 months and 6 days from now, I'm going to take a leap of faith that we love each other enough to pull through all of the things that happen to is.

PS Along with the child thing, I'm worried about t...

2009-11-16T13:56:12.998-08:00

PS Along with the child thing, I'm worried about the child CARE thing. Will we have a marriage where I just end up taking over more responsibility for the kids? And how will that happen, exactly? I read a post on another site recently where all the women were talking about how they did more of the work of planning their wedding than their fiance. All of them were like, oh honey, don't worry, men just aren't into things like napkins and what-not.

I think this is probably true...and yet it bothers me. We didn't even have napkins and what-not at our wedding, and my husband DID take complete responsibility for a lot of things (organizing the rentals, reception BBQ, lighting, sound, etc.) not to mention helping out on other major items. But we both agree that I ended up doing more of the research and ultimately more of the wedding work. Was this just because I "cared" more about the details? I don't know. I didn't enjoy wedding planning -- didn't have a vision from 4th grade, didn't have a color scheme, didn't enjoy going to dress salons. Yet somehow the wedding ended up being something I "cared" more about.

Does this "just happen" with wedding and marriages, and what is that about? Even on feminist wedding/marriage blogs, it's still women who are doing a lot of the discussing & reflecting. I don't see a lot of guys wanting to think about this. I'm not saying that this means we automatically have less egalitarian partnerships, but what does it mean in the 21st century that women still do a lot of the wedding planning, emotional reflection, and child care in relationships? Do we want marriages with these traditional divisions of labor? I would LOVE to hear what people think about this!!

I fear that having kids will change our marriage. ...

2009-11-16T13:42:10.348-08:00

I fear that having kids will change our marriage. I see how busy my friends with kids are, and how much time and attention goes towards the children. I wonder whether I'll be so sleep-deprived and worn out by the end of the day that I can still appreciate all the little joys of having a romantic relationship with my husband...let alone feel like an interesting person in my own life.

I thought it was interesting that so many people commented that having a stagnant or practical marriage was a fear of theirs. I guess I only worry about becoming too practical with children, because it seems that many of their needs are urgent and non-negotiable. Until then it all seems like it's more up to us to decide how things to be...after them, I'm worried we'll grow apart because we'll just be dealing with the how-to and be overwhelmed by being busy. I also worry about having conflict over how we raise the children. If you are going to have or want children, they seem to me to be such a big game-changer.

First, I am loving the comments. The fear of not l...

2009-11-16T12:16:28.309-08:00

First, I am loving the comments. The fear of not living in the present is a big one for me. Our lives changed pretty rapidly in the few years that we've been together. We've had graduations, moved in together, lost big friendships, got engaged and got married. Starting our new life is definitely exciting but we don't have the security of what's been familiar. This was what we both wanted and it feels natural to us, but with moving in a certain direction together other relationships haven't moved as well, make sense?

I too want a brave marriage, for us to feel like making the big decisions will be fine because we've got each other and are in it together. Yeah, I definitely want the passion to stick around as well. Woo hoo!